Affichage des articles dont le libellé est diary. Afficher tous les articles
Affichage des articles dont le libellé est diary. Afficher tous les articles

samedi 27 juin 2020

theory / praxis / 'kindness worker'

There's a lot of discourse on 'echo chambers' being the death of political conversation but I really do think that echo chambers can do a lot of harm on Twitter. I started following MLs because they had a lot of really valuable leftist perspectives, and the more of them I followed the more it appeared that they were the ONLY leftists with the ONLY "correct" perspective, which is especially mindboggling when you think about their philosophy itself, which is very much centered around combating US imperialism and warmongering with China (a good thing to resist obviously) by dying on the hill of the nation-state (perplexing???)

I think I give way too much equal benefit of the doubt to people. Some ML will tweet something while on the toilet and I'll spend hours using my full brain power to try and understand their perspective. Because I haven't read a lot of theory at all when it comes to socialism/communism I want to stay really open minded and understand why people think the way they do, but I think I spend too much time trying to decode ML ideas - like, way more time than actually doing anything useful. They have such a strong us-or-them ideology that you can get really easily sucked in. 

I did the LeftValues quiz and my results were: 

Revolutionary 70.6% - 29.4% Reform 
Scientific 47.1% - 52.9% Utopian (I'm neutral on this as I don't really know anything about dialectics)
Central 45.0% - 55.0% Decentral (I also have no idea, I've never really thought about this)
Internationalist 62.5% - 37.5% National (I'm surprised this isn't more skewed towards internationalism considering the MLs really didn't like it when I said borderless solidarity struggles were more interesting than uncritical jingoism and licking repressive state boot for free online) 
Party 46.2% - 53.8% Union (Yeah I also am pretty neutral on this - I'm definitely very ambivalent about the idea of a 'vanguard party') 
Production 23.6% - 76.4% Ecological
Conservative 27.9% - 72.1% Progressive
And it said I was into Council Communism and Eco-Marxism; it also said I was 0% Marxist-Leninist

The rapid way that you get sucked into this kind of stuff was demonstrated when I told people I was 0% ML and it made me interested in reading Lenin in order to understand why the quiz thought I disagreed with him; people were all like "ML is what tankies call themselves, they are Stalinists" and i was like wow so there are communists who aren't tankies??? Where have they been?? Why did I get stuck with the tankies????? and I'm glad that when I was 16 and angsty about my identity, wanting to reconnect with my Chinese roots, confused by the sinophobic media, I wasn't on Twitter because I would definitely have just become a tankie instead of letting myself do the soul-searching and introspection by myself, and through Sine Theta, in a space not dominated by other people's writings, so that I could come to independent conclusions (especially through my own first-person observations) about anti-fascism, anti-imperialism, anti-capitalism, police and prison abolition, border abolition. I told someone that I don't really know what kind of "-ist" I am, but I know that I want a world governed by kindness and compassion, where we all take care of each other by providing everything people need for free and allowing communities to thrive. 

I think it's important for everyone to come to an anti-capitalist perspective on their own and THEN to go and read theory / think about different schools of thought when it comes to how to combat capitalism/implement socialism. It means that you're secure in yourself and your thinking and don't get swayed easily by mob mentality/peer pressure/tribalism. I know that my convictions are right when it comes to these fundamentals. 

Anyway, so I'm still reading a lot of different stuff and trying to just inhale information. 

I'm not not open to MLs (for now, as I'm asking a ton of questions to someone who is an ML and has offered to have a discussion) but I'm just thoroughly confused by this investment in nationalism. I'm also thinking about the inherent privilege of diaspora and being overseas - the second you leave the country and are economically tied to things abroad you have divorced yourself from the reality of China! Even migrants who smuggle themselves into the UK to pick cockles in the sea are using that money to build empty mansions back in Fujian. Diaspora MLs will get super excited about the prospect of moving "back" to China via getting a job or doing a degree, both of which would put them in the 1% of China -- they speak English, they have all of this prestige from being overseas. They obviously won't see the harsh, unequal reality of China. If there are 60 million people in China who live on less than 1000RMB per month, how can China still be this Marxist utopia that needs total defense online?? 1000RMB means nothing to any normal middle-class family. How can such inequality be allowed in a state that still gets defended as a bastion of socialism? Why the binary thinking that if you think a single critical thought about the PRC, you're evil and a reactionary or a 'fake leftist'? 

I read Vijay Prashad's interview with Qiao Collective today and on this, he says that Marxism/dialectics isn't about binaries and either/or. He says it doesn't matter whether China is communist or capitalist (which I think it does, because MLs spend so much energy upholding China's so-called communism to the point where they'll either deny the existence of the Uyghur camps or even celebrate them as successful counterterrorism measures which is... baffling) but that it's important that China adapted to modern industry in order to develop the nation and better serve the people. But this is confusing to me, because it's precisely the 'people' that were sacrificed in order to make China rich - the peasants who precariously migrated to the South to work in factories without the ability to chagne their residencies for better treatment, who got AIDS because they had to sell their blood to survive. Clearly the PRC is not going to suddenly stop all this in 2025 and confiscate all of Jack Ma's wealth and then redistribute it to these guys. It feels like the judgement of who/what is "real left" and who/what is "fake left" who manipulate leftist language/vocabulary for reactionist intentions -- never mind what those intentions actually are, I almost never see any kind of evidence/analysis of what makes some leftists fake and others real, lke the CCP, which is apparently truly communist even though its actions are all capitalist??? 

So yeah I have a lot of thinking and reading to do but I'm glad that talking to different people has allowed me to get away from this dangerous tankie path, and that my common sense has led me to fundamentally question the ML tendency to jingoism. Knowing that other leftists exist has really helped lol.

dimanche 1 mars 2020

bad poems #10

before i came to the uk i thought all british food was bad
and especially beans on toast just looked positively disgusting because it oozed with ketchup
but then i started to really enjoy beans
i would always have english breakfast and scoop up all the beans
one time the lady at the cafeteria gave me a whole plate of beans
i made tiktoks about beans
but then i started taking too long to eat the beans and they would get cold
and i dont like cold beans
so i stopped liking beans

vendredi 18 octobre 2019

SSRIs

It's my last "Friday of Week 1 of Michaelmas Term" because I'm in final year now, although I guess there's a distinct possibility I'll be staying for my Master's so I suppose I can't be too sure about this being my last Friday of Week 1 of Michaelmas Term. I was going to make this post on Tumblr talking about my day yesterday but I figured i could do it here instead since it's been a while and I feel quite a lot better than I did last time, thank you antidepressants and third year for helping me to truly, truly stop worrying and love the bomb.

I haven't got an essay due until next week so I've been focusing on grad school applications this week. Yesterday morning I had yogurt, granola, and strawberries for breakfast and headed to the SSL café with my Keepcup. I had a latte and soon my friend Eleni dropped by on her way to a tutorial and we chatted - she always has so many things to say, when we talk (which so far hasn't been that often, I don't know her very well yet) I always feel like my brain is going 100km per hour to keep up with her. Rachel dropped in as well. I edited some pieces for Sine Theta and generally checked things off the to-do list I'd scribbled onto a post-it and taped to my laptop keyboard.

Lunch was a simple soba with pok choy and chicken (paprika, garlic, cumin, mirin) - sweet and good, but it was one of those moments where I took a really long time to eat it and it got cold and an hour passed and I just didn't feel like it anymore, so I did end up throwing a bit of it away at the end. I packed up to go back to the café and do more work, but then remembered that my tutor Julia had said I could call her to discuss US grad schoolk so I sat down to do that - she was so, so, so kind and encouraging and actually insisted on reading my (very bad) first draft for Yale so that was awesome. After talking with her I felt really excited and inspired to write my next draft which is what I did for the whole afternoon until it was time for my evening activities.

I first went with Rachel to the Queer Studies Network mixer, which was a networking thing for academics. I had a lot of wine (a cup each of white and red) which on an empty stomach meant I was soon slurring my speech. After slightly embarrassing myself for an hour or so I had to go meet with Sophie to attend the Industry magazine launch, which we promptly left after arrival once we had run into Dan (whom I had finally met last week for the first time when we were teaching Fiction and Non-Fic editing at the Isis masterclass and really hit it off because we both just decided to act like we already knew each other and skip the introductions and awkward small talk) and Kwan Ann, whom I was finally now meeting for the first time after being mutuals on Twitter for a while. She made an uncomfortable joke about Sine Theta rejecting her twice, which was awkward but what can I do, it's nothing personal. We tried to check out a "jazz night" advertised at a townie pub (there was no music), then went to another pub on Cornmarket where we got a fancy bottle of wine to share. We picked the wine with the coolest name, which was La Forge. After polishing that one off, we headed off to Spoons and got some pitchers of a blue cocktail that tasted a bit like childhood cough medicine as well as some chips. Gabriel sent me a Pimm's which was adorable and very much appreciated. We talked for a really long time and eventually split up at midnight. It started raining soon after we went outside, and after we all split up I took out my umbrella and just listened to the patter of rain coming down heavy. I had a hole in the heel of my Converse that I had unsuccessfully tried to remedy with duct tape last week, and my shoes started filling up with water. I squelched back to my room and it was so quiet on St Cross Road that I could cross the street whenever I wanted. I had some hot water and went to bed.

vendredi 23 août 2019

I can't sleep, again, so I'm here to tapoter un peu so that hopefully all the thoughts running around in my brain have somewhere to go instead of my head.

I've started rereading Do Not Say We Have Nothing and it is still exquisite. In novels people are always quoting stuff, like they know a ton of Literature by heart. Obviously I know that, especially in the past, people were probably able to quote stuff a lot, but there's a part for instance in this book where Zhuli, in a moment of crisis, thinks of a quote from Faust that she heard orally just the other day. In contrast I feel like words come in from one ear and out the other. I'll remember ideas and events (though as the start of my previous post attested I seem to forget really important stuff as well) but I could never just quote a whole chunk of text from something I read or heard in passing.

The closest thing I have to that is this single-line poem from Yanyi, which I'm not even sure I have word for word: "There are places I can't go, like outside my body." It really struck me when I read it and I've thought about it a few times in the few days since I've read it, not only in terms of my heart palpitations but also how I hate things like mindfulness/yoga/Headspace/meditation because they make me acutely aware of my body which is an extremely uncomfortable feeling and also how I often imagine myself in the third person as I'm experiencing events.

I actually don't really have that much to write about, which is annoying. There's a rabbit hole about social media I could go down but I'm not sure if I really have the energy to do it right now. But I know that if I clamber upstairs back into bed I'm going to start wildly jumping from topic to topic in my head again, so now I'm not super sure what to do. I suppose I could go back to reading but I'm kind of scared to get sucked back in too much and sleep too late and be tired all of tomorrow.

lundi 19 août 2019

august

My mom won't let me re-read The Bell Jar because she thinks it'll be bad for my mental health, which kinda sucks because I was really looking forward to it. Jia Tolentino talks a bit about it in part of Trick Mirror and it made me realise that I really remember nothing from that even though I think I read it twice when I was 13/14. It's funny how little I remember from stuff: I've seen Inglourious Basterds at least 3 times but when I rewatched it this summer I realised that I always forget that LaPadite betrays the Jewish family in the tense opening scene, and also that Christoph Waltz ends up doing a deal with the Americans. I guess that's a good thing, because I can keep revisiting stuff and get new things out of it each time. I managed to read about 5 pages of The Bell Jar before my mom took it away and whaddaya know, zero recollections.

Heart palpitations, still. I ended up sleeping 5 hours last night because I had a dentist appointment, and then fell asleep on the sofa from 6-9pm which doesn't bode well for my sleep schedule. Right now my heart is just beating too fast and strong for me to really want to turn off the lights and just lie there, so....

Earlier I laid on the floor for a while looking at the light fixture in our living room. It's the same one that we first got when we first moved into this house in 2006 and I'd never noticed it before, really. It's kind of ugly, this Dalek-looking assemblage of concentric rings with golf-sized crystal balls hanging off of it. It felt good to lie on the floor because of the cool tiles. I'd wanted to do it back in Palo Alto but most of the Airbnb was carpeted except for the toilet, and I wasn't going to lie on the poop and pee floor. Also, the toilets are shared, and it would've been pretty weird for someone to see me. More specifically, I remember the evening when I had the strongest urge to go lie there I really didn't want O to come and see me because it would look like some massive desperate cry for attention. I didn't want attention, or at least not more than usual. Just that nice cool feeling. The next morning I sat at the kitchen island, which is covered in these beautiful deep turquoise tiles (but that make the surface of the counter uneven) and just pressed my face against it. I did look crazy, and I felt it, but it was more acceptable. I could just say, "I'm really tired" (which was true because I'd had a Breakdown the evening before and not gotten that much sleep). That's something you can just say and people will accept it. In the movie The Farewell, which I saw twice, they say that a lot so that family members won't probe. In late-stage capitalism I guess everyone's just always tired and other issues are, to some extent, about being tired anyways. Or is that a reach. Anyway, I had my arms on the counter in this frame-like shape and placed my face into the center, like at the massage places where they have a hole in the cushion. Then I took my arms away and pressed by forehead there. After O finished his breakfast and left I cried a little bit, still with my face there. I didn't know what I wanted or needed. I had Mitski's "Crack Baby" stuck in my head because I'd been listening to it on repeat. The most dramatic moment, I'm sure.

Today I finished reading The Idiot and read through Yanyi's The Year of Blue Water, which Lis gifted me and said was similar in some ways to Elif Batuman. I definitely enjoyed it a bit more than I normally enjoy poetry, since I don't really understand much of poetry and feel kinda bad that I don't. Some of the lines in there were good. He talked a lot about writing -- writing as a way to survive, writing as something that he had to do like it was just bursting out of him, he needed it to make sense of his life -- which is also something Jia Tolentino talks about and just stuff I've been thinking about lately. Like, do you have to need to write to be a writer? I don't know if I need to write or if I just write because I don't really have anyone to talk to / writing as a way to force someone or something to listen to me. I feel like writing the blog post yesterday helped in some way. Proper punctuation and capitalisation and all that. I guess writing stuff down like this feels better because I'm not really expecting any kind of reply from the void, whereas I tend to be frequently disappointed by interpersonal exchanges.

Sidenote: Why does Min Jin Lee have to retweet basically every mention of her on Twitter? I mean I see why, but she always does them in a huge batch when she comes online and it just floods my feed. I suppose I should just unfollow her.

Thinking, now, about the man in the Economy check-in line at SFO who got upgraded to First Class because the San Francisco - Zurich flight was hopelessly overbooked. As he walked away from the red-carpeted counter he had that expression where you're trying really hard not to smile. First Class -- First, not Business!

I told O that I was trying to be more generous to my friends, which is true. I'm usually quite stingy and get stressed about spending money, but I tell myself that buying gifts for friends, whether it's their birthday or I've just been thinking of them, is a good thing. I said this when he protested about me buying him boba, even though I had said I would because I'd lost a Love Island bet. I hadn't thought Amber would pick Greg over Michael, but she did. When she did, it was a moment of absolute euphoria. We screamed and cheered, and O threw himself onto the floor, I think. It was carpeted. I find that a bit gross, because carpets have accumulated years and years of dust whereas at least you can scrub down toilet tiles. But yes, generosity. My friend E, who to be honest I don't know super well but who is just an absolute darling, very sweet and adorable, had a birthday picnic back in May and I went and got her some stuff from Lush. I even paid for a little handkerchief to wrap it in. And it felt really good that I was doing this for someone else.

What I'm trying to say is I'm trying to be kind and generous and open-hearted, partly because I feel like have a slight mean streak or at least used to, partly because I always feel like I'm too self-absorbed and selfish and self-centered, partly because people are always talking about how important friendship is and I agree but I don't know if I really have that kind of Perks of Being a Wallflower type of thing going on and I try to invest in the people I'm around. I always try really hard to not try and expect anything back because interpersonal relationships aren't transactional, they're built over time -- like how whenever E (a different E from the Lush one) pays for me at mealtimes and I try to pay him back, he shrugs and says "I'm sure it'll even out in the future. At some point you'll spot me for something." It's annoying, but it's also very moving. What he's saying is that he likes me, that we're friends, that we're going to continue to hang out a lot in the future and continue to be friends and he'll continue to like me. That's a pretty nice thing. Nevertheless, it always hurts a bit when I feel like I haven't gotten back what I've given. Like how when I'm depressed and it's pretty clear that I could do with some help (sometimes I specifically ask for help, like for help making soup or something) and my friends don't really show up for me. Or I'm just not asking properly. Or I'm isolating myself on purpose. I sometimes don't have the energy to talk, but I always kind of need someone there to absorb the unspoken energy that I have, if that makes sense. I don't have any study buddies.

I'm making myself a bit sad writing this. I hadn't expected to go into how I'm really lonely or whatever. Basically I shouldn't have such high expectations about anything and I should stop trying to make stuff into things and just let it be, and I should be kind. I was telling O (and this is again something like what I wrote on Tumblr like 2 weeks ago and I'm annoyed at myself for wasting time re-hashing stuff but I guess I've led myself here so) that if we'd met in some more organic situation like if we attended the same university, I would've probably made some kind of snap judgment and dismissed him and we would never have been friends. He says he thinks we would've been friends but not best friends, but he thinks that because he's good with people and somehow adapts to whoever he's with. I think he's very different in different contexts, and I would've seen the way he behaves when he's with others just categorised him as some typical American dude who's way too much in his comfort zone, who moved with too much ease. Or, I don't know, I can't really imagine what I would be like at an American university -- probably I would've just become an Asian-American which is depressing as fuck. "So if we weren't friends, it would be your fault", he said, and yeah, basically.

The only reason why we became so close is because we were in this weird situation where we only had each other, 24/7, and saw each other all the time. It made me sad when we both left (and still sad, now, because he's a terrible texter (he had warned me) which doesn't help my attachment issues) because I felt like this was one of the deepest friendships I'd ever had, and it had only lasted around a month, and I was basically never going to see him again and that was that. I knew, again, that the only reason we were so close was because of this highly unique and almost artificial context... like being the only two people on a spaceship, or being stuck at an Arctic science lab during a blizzard, etc etc -- fanfiction setups, almost. In a regular situation everyone has many acquaintances and you kind of cycle them around. Given the choice I would've obviously hung out with different people instead of giving O this impression that I was some kind of unhinged suicidal witch who needed to be looked at all the time or else she would evaporate, like how the Weeping Angels from Dr Who turn into stone when someone is looking at them so you just have to keep your eyes on them all of the time and not blink. So because it was so unique, I know that I shouldn't see this as some kind of indictment of all my other friendships, but I can't help but feel like my regular friendships don't really match up to this. At university, aren't you actually supposed to have breakfast together, watch Love Island in the evenings together, go out for a weekly dinner on Saturday night, late night talks every once in a while, have banter inbetween? I mean these are regular things you do with your so-called best friends, so when you distill it, it does feel like I'm missing out on something because I'm doing them with a handful or rotation of individuals. Like how when I told E (a third E!) that I ate alone all the time and had no hangups about it, it was just convenient, and she said she couldn't conceive of it -- even if she was at home making pasta she had to take it into her friend's room for a chat. This is a weird example but I think I'm bringing it up because my month in Palo Alto I was a lot like this E.

Here I am again talking about how I "don't seem to be able to make connections with my peers" when I was trying to talk about something positive, about how I'm trying to be kind. My point was that I wouldn't've normally given O a chance and so I should give more people chances; and that I shouldn't let my quick closeness with O make me feel bad since it's such unique circumstances and so I should stop fretting over my other friendships' "deepness" and just let them be; and finally that I shouldn't fret about my friendship with O now, because I know a lot about being a terrible texter and bad at maintaining a friendship over text and not having energy and not wanting to, so I shouldn't let dry texting give me the fatalistic impression that he now hates me/never liked me, wants nothing more to do with me, and that I should just disappear altogether, because what does that achieve, really. What's the point of playing hard-to-get when we're already friends and he already knows I'm needy as fuck? Reading about Selin's exchanges with Ivan I wondered if I could relate to her feelings, and turns out I can't, not at all, because we're in very very different situations. I was mainly thinking about how I spend my days waiting for a Whatsapp notification and then pretending like I wasn't, and feeling excited every time I'm hit up proactively. The only similar thing I guess is just that excitement and uncertainty, like having a crush, but a friend crush -- or since we're already friends, a friend continuation crush? It's not crazy that I'm like this, because underneath is the very human desire to feel like you matter, that you still matter even outside of those extenuating circumstances, that Airbnb bubble, that turquoise kitchen island, that TV room with the HDMI cable unplugged from the DVD player, Stanford campus and its ugliness and all that unhappiness, Emerson Street, carpeted corridor, Philz Coffee, boba, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, Salt and Straw. That you weren't just someone he was stuck with. Just like when I meet people through activities like Isis and really want to become friends beyond that but don't know how to make it work. I need to stop playing this bitter and ugly game of viewing friendship as transactions, why didn't you hit me up first it's because you don't really care about me, it's awful. I'm a terrible friend online, to others, so why freak out when it happens to me. If I see a meme I should send it. If I think of anything I should say it. What's the point of angst and nervousness, it's not like I'll ever express it, it only stays on the inside of me so I might as well just... not. I should give and give and give and give and give and ultimately it evens out in a way that can't be calculated. It's scary because women always do that and get trampled and flattened completely, but surely that's only in romantic relationships, not friendships? I think people need to talk about friendship a lot more.

On one of our last nights in Palo Alto, O and I hugged and he was like, "You're pretty great, I care about you a lot." Obviously people have showed me direct affection before, but not as direct as this. It was a pretty great feeling that this was said, out loud, to me, friend to friend. I just need to be as nice to everyone, be honest and direct. Kind and generous, as I've said about a million times in this post already.

It's past midnight and my mom keeps coming in to check on me because she's worried I can't sleep. I eventually had to admit I was writing a blog post -- I don't think my mom or anyone really has been reading my blog posts recently since I've been so inactive -- but now she's going to read this which is annoying because it's going to change the way she sees me. I've been more vulnerable in this post than I've allowed myself to be -- to myself and to others -- in a long time. I hope she pretends like she never read this.

dimanche 18 août 2019

heart palpitations

I got back from California the other day and I've just read half of The Idiot again because I'm jetlagged, and I'm thinking about how fiction (especially debuts) seems to always be autobiographical to an extent, and about the interview I did with Jessica J. Lee where she said writing about her experience in her (non-fiction) book Swimming actually ended up helping her resolve a lot of her baggage and learn how to let go, and how my response was to invoke Elif Batuman and how it made me think that all I have to do is survive and write about it later and it'll all be worth it. It's 3:38am and raining outside, thunder and lightning, and I can't sleep at all, and Twitter is dead (impossible!) and I'm just so full of anxiety. I'm sorry, mom, because she totally thought that I would be all cured and ok once I got home because my unhappiness always has some distinct cause (like antihistamines maybe) that can be subtracted from me like pulling a blanket off. But I don't know if there is a "real me" underneath all this, just like, um, how there might not be a "real", essential culture in a non-Western context untainted by colonial and postcolonial Western ideas that you can just uncover and reveal if you tried hard enough. 

I spent some of today watching this ASMR Youtube channel, it's a young Korean housewife who makes really high-quality videos detailing her daily life, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and highlighting the small joys in her everyday routine. Apart from the fact that aesthetically it's really pleasing, I also think I really connect to it because (at least based on the English translations of her subtitles) it's clear that she's deeply depressed and using these videos to try so, so, so hard to find something that will make her feel happy, or at least good, something to live for, like the sizzling of oil in a pan, her son's little feet standing on a stool, an ant crawling across a tree root, a folded towel. And while that's all and good, it's also pretty depressing, still, to me. I've been following this poet on Instagram and Twitter who is totally awesome, half-Sino, in her twenties, MFA, doing a lot of great creative stuff, loves nature, posts a lot about the tomatoes she grows on her windowsill. And she's friends with Jessica, who's just turned 33 and whose social media is basically the same stuff. Cooking with friends. Swimming. You'd think looking at these posts is really calming and nice, but there's something about it that makes me lose all hope... This life is probably a pretty accurate picture of what my life is going to look like in the coming years, my twenties, my thirties, maybe even after that. Just going to work, doing something creative whether that's for my job or just on the side, coming back and watering the plants by the window and taking a photo of something nice. And that's... just as good as it gets. I mean, it's nice, but that's just it, for the rest of my life, tomatoes on the windowsill. A trip to Italy every once in a while. And I mean it's good, it's good to love the little things, but is that really just going to be how I live, waiting for that next little fleeting thing that will make me feel like not-shit for 2 fucking seconds and grabbing onto that for dear life, until I die? 

Thinking now about this quote from Gabrielle Calvocoressi. Rachel recommended the essay after I posted about the poem she'd had in the New Yorker, one of the only TNY poems I ever read when I had my subscription. That poem was called "hammond b3 organ cistern" and the quote from a different essay is this, specifically the bolded part:

Why did my mother kill herself and I didn’t that year and have not? This is a question I ask myself almost everyday, though never during moments of despair. The thought never comes to me then. I ask myself at the farmer’s market when David shows me the black radishes that I use in risotto or when Sarah takes me to the ranch and the horses press in on me so I’m nothing but warmth and breath and their snot on my hair. Is it this? Is this the reason? I ask myself at the rodeo and the rowdy square dance when the rain starts to fall. I don’t mean for it to sound romantic. I have questions about what keeps us alive. I don’t believe it’s a phone call or trying harder. I don’t believe it’s an act of cowardice to take your life. Or that it’s brave. I think it’s the most natural unnatural thing in the world. My analyst said, You have to decide her story is not your story. Even if it’s the last place you know to find her and you really have to say goodbye.

Every time I pass by a pretty flower or smell tapioca when I walk past a boba shop or witness golden hour I'm like is this why I'm alive? Is this why? Is this just what I have to keep waiting for? And this is supposed to be worth it? This is supposed to make it all ok just in this one moment? 

I didn't really mean to make this post be about death again. It's pretty embarrassing to be so earnest and vulnerable and sincere, and not just because this is the Internet and anyone that I know could read this even though nobody reads this someone could see it, someone who usually knows me by a Cool Girl reputation I've tried hard to build up so that boys in high school would be scared of me. (I wonder if they still are. Probably not.) I probably couldn't even write it down in private. This is especially true when it comes to talking about other people, my friends, people I think are cool, because god is it not the worst thing ever to want, to feel, to take oneself seriously? Thinking about the part in The Idiot where Selin is mortified to read her story at the magazine event even though it won first prize because "I didn't want anyone to think I thought it was good." (150) 

Like how I used to have a mild I'd-be-down-if-you-were-but-otherwise-I-don't-really-care crush on M when we'd banter over Messenger, both measuring our intellectual dicks, and continued to think he was hot even after I was no longer single, but when I saw him again for the first time in over a year after we'd both spent 4 terms at Oxbridge I immediately, suddenly, and irrevocably lost all interest in him. Emily (not abbreviating because I think Emily actually does still read this so it would be weird to act like she needs anonymity due to me writing without her knowledge or whatever, plus, there are like a billion people named Emily just in my life) and I met up with him briefly and when he came to pick us up because we were lost in Downing College I didn't recognise him at first, in that oversized black cardigan, those tight black jeans, those black Dr Martens, that comically posh accent, God, who had he become, I mean really? The point wasn't that he was now a total softboy, since I happen to be quite attracted to that kind of man (I know, I know), but that he'd become this kind of person overnight after having spent years as some nondescript, cerebral, slightly nerdy dude who hadn't seemed to care what others thought about him at all. It turned out that he really, really did, because clearly he'd felt some desperate need to remodel himself based on the latest trends, to change who he was (at least externally, which of course is the most immediate and important facet) in order to please others' standards. Emily and I had very different views on this: she thought that it would be vindicative to come back changed, new, suddenly Cool, and to see the looks on the faces to those who had scorned or ostracised you before. I think that's the worst thing, to give in, because doesn't it show that they, whoever they are, were right all along, that you were wrong and all you had to do was change to be accepted? That what they'd done had indeed hurt you, struck some deeply buried internal chord? I would much rather they realise that I was the one who was right all along, that the things I'd liked were suddenly cool. And I still don't really know what that means, specifically in what ways Emily's and my stances differ and what that says about us. I do know that it means I think showing you care is really, really fucking lame. 

All this is to say, again, that I find it so hard to be personal in part because I'm constantly assuming that I have an audience. In a way, I can't really exist without an audience: all of my thoughts only really get crafted when I imagine in my head that I'm saying them to someone, writing them down somewhere, posting it on my blog... otherwise they kind of just float around as concepts, some weird fog with no substance. 

Back to California, which is the reason why I was makin this post that has just turned out to be a collection of some of my recent concerns (ie better-phrased versions of my panicked Tumblr posts). I was feeling so listless in part because my experience there was so liminal: a vacation but not; work but not; alone but not; far away but not; my own boss but not... One Monday, after a weekend of allowing myself to do nothing productive since it was "the weekend", I found myself unable to decide precisely what I was going to do for lunch: every option seemed to entail some kind of loss, cost, or reveal some kind of failure, and deciding precisely what to do after lunch was also absolutely paralysing -- I had become Chidi from the Good Place, unable to even move, unable to do anything -- I ended up missing appropriate lunch times and missing the movie that my boyfriend was trying to get me to go watch even though it was a Monday -- it was one of those awful depranxiety attacks where I really just could not do anything at all -- eventually I calmed down enough (after crying in front of the cleaning ladies) to go back down to my room with a bowl of plain tortillas and gear myself up for dinner -- which turned out to be poké, a huge portion of it because this was America, I felt suddenly dizzy and ill and light-headed so I picked out the rest of the fish and threw the bowl away in a trash can outside so the employees wouldn't see what I'd done -- I passed by Trader Joe's to pick up some groceries and try to turn the rest of my week around -- I ran into my only friend and housemate O who was boycotting Whole Foods because of the Prime Day strikes. Later that evening after watching Love Island, O, who was in much of the same situation as me except he really did have a boss who assigned him tasks and expected him to complete them at a reasonable time, had been there for a month already, and also wasn't a crazy dumb bitch who hated being alive, told me that ever since I'd arrived it had thrown him off his groove, because seeing me drift from coffeeshop to coffeeshop had made him realise that he could kind of just dally around too. I was like, "Um, okay, well I had a breakdown today because I'd run out of food in the pantry but also didn't think I deserved to spend money on a lunch. I have way too much freedom." And indeed every morning I woke up filled with emptiness and unhappiness and dread because there was basically nothing stopping me from just lying around in bed all day watching Jake Gyllenhaal interviews. Who cared what I did with my time, I was spending half my stipend on this Airbnb and flown halfway across the world just to sit around and do the same shit I'd do back home for free, which is be depressed and scroll on social media. I needed to be working and that had a lot of other complications. For the second time in my life (the first time being September 2018 when I briefly broke up with my boyfriend) I had heart palpitations, or maybe my heartbeat was normal and I was just overly aware of it, but basically, even after I'd cut caffeine, I would just feel my heartbeat all the time and it would drive me crazy and I would just wish it would stop once and for all. This is just to provide a bit more context. I tried to express this jitteriness over poetry but mostly failed. 

So anyway, I was increasingly, 'ow you say, losing it, and increasingly crawling into O's room after Love Island to just sit and stare and talk because I could not stand being alone, just really really needed some other human being to be there and absorb all of this energy I had, which was difficult because I had only 1 friend whom I did not know super well and needed to constantly limit myself so that I would not come off as an absolute psychopath. I had to set myself a quota on Depressed Anxious Bitch Hours With O and it was hard because I felt like that all of the time. (I put O through a lot, I felt awful about it but I also just really needed to. But there's a lot there.) One night we were talking and I made a comment about how I'm either emotionally numb or having a breakdown -- but that I doubt the authenticity of my breakdowns because it feels like I'm doing it for attention, but not someone else's, my own. His insight (and thank you God for a male friend with EQ, finally) was: "Do you feel like your feelings don't matter unless it's a disaster?" And I was like, wow, yeah, probably. He asked if there are moments when I do think about myself or prioritise myself, and I said I talk about myself quite a lot when I'm with others, and maybe that's because being-yourself and making conversation is an inherent part of being friends with someone. When I'm hanging out with someone I identify these moments as worthy because I'm socialising, and anything I do within that framework is productive and net-positive because I'm contributing to the strengthening of my relationship with this person. So that brings us back to me existing only really in terms of others, or allowing myself to do so. I don't really know what to do about it though, because I tried "spending time with myself" and "focusing on myself" -- California was basically an experiment of this -- and it fucking sucked, because there isn't really a me, again, without all the stuff I'm doing all the time, so what does spending time with myself even mean, apart from hearing my own heartbeat at night and getting really freaked out and crying? 

Going back to the start again. I had a terrible and confusing and highly liminal time in California and I feel like the only way I can make sense of it, and also the best way to feel like it was all worth it, is to write about it and then profit from that, in every way possible. Jia Tolentino says she hasn't got that much to say about her year in Kyrgyzstan because she really didn't take that many notes, and now I'm like, shit, do I have to take notes while it's still fresh in my memory? Or can I just get away with posts and Instagram story archives and stuff? Because I feel like it's much too fresh to start writing about it now, I certainly don't feel comfortable writing about the friendship I formed with O because it feels a bit like a betrayal and also is way too much vulnerability for me. What parts am I meant to fictionalise and what parts am I meant to add and.... I don't know. I guess I was gonna try to take notes but I really just can't, not just because it's traumatic, not just because to put it into words out loud or written down, whether in private or online, feels dirty and crass, but because it's just, god it's just so embarrassing to have feelings, real feelings, about myself and about others, and to write about them, as if every thought that came tumbling through my head was so important that it would be a crime not to publish (loose paraphrase of Rooney Mara in The Social Network, which I saw both on the plane to and from San Francisco), as if I thought it was good. And it's 4:40, the rain has stopped, and I'm still not tired.

jeudi 11 juillet 2019

analogy about existential angst

i was talking to my friend about my #existential angst and he brought up the stoics and how they kind of considered that they couldn't control anything and just needed to manage expectations and take what comes in life, ride the wave in a way.... which made me think of a way that might explain how i feel? like, if life is all about riding the waves that come and letting them take you wherever, my question is why am i in the ocean in the first place? why do i have to deal with waves? wouldn't i prefer to be on land, where there are no waves? but in this world i dont even know that there is such a thing as land because ive never seen it before, so all i can do is stay swimming in this ocean wishing i didnt have to do it, because it's so hard, and yet not knowing where else i might be / not having an option to be anywhere else. lol. just wanted to note that down i guess.

read this piece a couple weeks back: https://theoutline.com/post/7267/living-with-passive-suicidal-ideation?zd=1&zi=amdkoiqx which is about a similar feeling of not really wanting to be alive but i dont really identify with it, because while the author compares it to treading water with the risk/possibility of drowning, i dont feel like im at risk of drowning, i just don't want to be in the water in the first place. but i am, so i have to keep swimming, and it sucks.

lundi 17 juin 2019

society cafe

a list of the times i've been to society café on st. michael's street:

  1. Meeting up with Lana in Michaelmas term of 1st year. We were supposed to go to this other café that I'd found when I googled 'cafes oxford' but it was closed so we came here. I haven't seen Lana that many times in Oxford -- we live in completely different worlds. She looks exactly the same though.
  2. Hilary term 1st year: Meeting Alexis for the second time after Tobi had brought her to an informal Isis meeting (location: the then-new Common Ground coffee on Little Clarendon St) because she'd heard a lot about me and wanted to be friends. I ducked into Society right after having lunch with Emily at Handlebar just down the street, so this would've been our first meeting when we'd both just been chosen as the new Isis editors. The Handlebar has this French waiter who speaks with a heavy accent and I'd instinctively ordered in French. I came to Society early to wait for Alexis but she was late, so I sat downstairs with a tea and carrot cake for the longest time. Eventually she showed up and we had a riveting discussion right before she left for China.
  3. Shortly after my meeting with Alexis -- like, a couple of days after -- Sanaa and I dropped in to her Homecoming Queen launch which was here at Society after hours, before going to the Isis HT18's journalism panel.
  4. Michaelmas 2nd year: group lunch with Michelle and Li to celebrate/welcome their entry as Sine Theta interns, and then I was bored so we decided to skip down to Society to study. I was reading T. J. Clark's Farewell to an Idea for my Picasso essay and greatly, greatly struggling. Eventually the others left but I stayed until 7pm agonising over that chapter. 
  5. Today, Trinity 2nd year. I keep forgetting that you can't move the tables here at Society. The table is a bit too far away from the (hard wooden) bench for my comfort so my back and shoulders are definitely gonna hurt after this. I passed by Society on the way to brunch with Gabriel at Bill's and decided to spend my afternoon studying here. But I need to remember the thing about the table's distance from the seat. I don't think I'll be back anytime soon.
I guess it's just cool how many experiences overlap and fold onto each other in a small town like Oxford. I've been to other cafes like Skogen too many times to count now, but here at Society I still remember all the little details of each time I was here, like the fact that the toilets used to have blackboard walls with chalk graffiti encouraged, but now is just a regular toilet. 

dimanche 16 juin 2019

little update

Yesterday was the day I'd picked to have a chill little birthday picnic outside but it rained intermittently all day (it's been raining for over a week now) so we had it in the JCR instead. When I came back I did a bit of reading, or tried to, while Gabriel napped, and then watched a movie before going to sleep. I woke up at 11 to a really sunny day, which is infuriating, and had cake leftovers for breakfast before going over to Skogen for a light lunch and some studying. I finished Saturday's reading, did another, and then half of another, before we went to the Anthroposphere launch, then got bubble tea and came back, and I've still not finished this reading but it's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

When I get my own place I'm going to try to keep a clear desk, and put all my necessities like stationery and books on shelves etc. so that I can periodically wipe down the surface of the desk. I just noticed earlier that my desk has some oily patches on it and when I wiped it with a tissue it was black. So that's why. But I never know how you're meant to keep a shelf, with all of the books and knicknacks on it, tidy and clean. Do those fluffy duster things actually work? How do you keep dust off? I don't know.

dimanche 13 janvier 2019

feelings??

last night wes and i were sitting in my room playing music to each other and talking about how the music made us felt - like how shostakovich's jazz waltz no. 2 was a checkerboard-floor ballroom with several couples dancing in sync, the women's identical long skirts twirling in unison. i showed him rex orange county (which he didn't seem to like) but i said that this was some guy our age in london with acne who made music about how much he loved his girlfriend, which wes thought was cute. then i showed him "les yeux d'elsa" by louis aragon (which by the way is not the same in english translation at all) and told him it was about this guy's love for his wife. (also, after doing some reading over the vac for an essay on surrealism i found out that aragon was a hardcore communist and a surrealist, which is so interesting because that poem itself feels like a really conventional work of french literature with meter and rhyme and fancy words and all that.)

at the same time i was reading both "too much and not the mood" by durga chew-bose (which i bought at blackwell's after reading that interview) and jenny zhang's "how it feels" online, again. (and then also "having a coke with you.") both durga and jenny zhang's works have this honesty but they could not be more different: zhang's poem is this typical zhang relentlessly raw and unflinching work that makes me want to self-annihilate every time i read it, like i really just want to disappear off the face of the earth because i just cannot deal with the emotions that she doles out on a platter like that, it is just unbearable how much feeling there is in that piece, like, oh my god?

and durga's honesty is sincere and tender and gentle. i'm still in her first essay called "heart museum" and she's talking about all the times her heart has skipped, and the soft way in which she talks about the feelings she had when she was in love - she isn't embarrassed at all to talk about her emotions. i don't understand how people can be so absolutely vulnerable in writing, immortalising the strength of the way they felt.

when i write, sometimes i feign authenticity - sometimes it sounds like i'm being vulnerable and honest, but i truly have not been for years. and when i look back at actually honest works i cringe so hard that i just want to die. why am i so afraid of having emotions? or more specifically of letting other people know i have emotions? it seems so embarrassing... and yet i am bouleversée, bowled over, by other people's emotions. like frank iero's "they wanted darkness", the absolute teen angst of that, that feeling of being so sad and angry and resentful and truly feeling like you're the only person in the world who feels that way, that self-absorption and self-indulgence and lack of shame... let's face it, i could never write about myself in such an open and unbothered way. maybe my destiny is to be like elif batuman, cynical and over-reflective, opting for the filters of self-deprecation and witty self-awareness, opting for telling stories about herself and for teleology instead of having to face the fact that those periods of angst and agony we went through were completely... completely... arbitrary and never did lead up to any kind of vindicative or conclusive moment where everything fell into place like a common app essay.

i guess i'm supposed to become a semiotician ... i'm too obsessed with meaning.

lundi 24 décembre 2018

julie, julia, and nora

So Netflix has pushed Julie and Julia to me a lot but I never had any interest in it at all. A few weeks ago I read Nora Ephron's personal essay in the New Yorker (https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2006/02/13/serial-monogamy) and thought it was quite cute. Then the other day I thought again about Julie and Julia and how it's meant to be about a modern woman engaging with Julia Child through her cookbook and was like, "Oh my god this is a Nora Ephron movie isn't it." Sure enough Ephron was all over the credits - she wrote, produced, and directed it.

Anyway, here's my Letterboxd review:

this is SO WHOLESOMe also the fact that nora ephron also engaged so much with cookbooks... i love
edit a lot of the reviews on letterboxd are like these stories arent interesting because theres no real conflict or growth and ok sure but also not all stories have to be really dramatic to be interesting... i loved that this was about how passion and hard work and INTEREST in something can really touch and change your life, and that you can measure your life by the “mundane” things like what you cook and what you wear and **ahem** the films you watch. in a time of information overload its important to cherish the times we really do engage with something. ive just started actually cooking these past few months and even though i dont follow recipes (and prob never will bc im impatient) and also hate french food, i felt connected to this too. and obviously so did producer/writer/director + new yorker article author nora ephron !
I just wanted to add that ever since I interviewed Canadian science fiction author Larissa Lai for Sine Theta's 8th issue back in September, I've been thinking a lot about this one thing she said, about the inherently patriarchal nature of traditional Campbellian hero journey narratives. I even quoted her in a footnote in my Greenberg essay when I make a side note on the patriarchal language in one of the secondary sources. She said that traditional narratives are driven by a black-and-white understanding of conflict: good versus evil, like Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. She said that they're stories about the boy needing to kill the father in order to come into manhood. But women don't want to kill their mothers - they want to have relationships with them.

“Women’s narratives,” she said, “need to be relational in the first instance, and not dialectical.”

I've been thinking about this because in some ways it feels true. In some ways I want it to be true, because then all this resentment and bitterness I have about men appears easily explained, that there's this inherent difference in the way men and women behave because of the way they've been socialised to think and to relate to people. But I'm also wary of generalising, because if you take this to the extreme you'd be saying that men are inherently violent and women aren't - which apart from being wrong is also quite dangerous because it would then excuse violence from men as 'boys will be boys' and would treat male violence as something uncurable and inevitable. But of course that's not what Lai is saying: she also talks about how women can actually be really nasty to each other and that's an aspect she wanted to explore in her books.

I've also struggled a lot with her use of the word "dialectical". Does she mean dialectical like a struggle, like a class struggle, between two sides? Or just a Socratic dialogue where two sides talk to each other to solve a problem? Because that's two completely different things and dialectics can mean either or both (or not??? IDK I'm very bad at grasping complex theory that has many explanations because the concept has been written about by different thinkers. I once cried in front of my tutor after class because I was frustrated by the ambiguous definition of the words 'semiotics' and 'structuralism'.) I guess in this context she means the former, because it would be the opposite of relational.

All this is to say is I've been wondering what kind of narrative would be a more feminine one, a relational one that's less about defeating evil. I haven't really found anything but I guess I'd say that Julie and Julia is one. But I'm wary of doing that because it's literally a movie about cooking. And what would that say about women? Lol.

I don't want to make this too long and I'm a bit annoyed that this is the first post (as far as I remember) that I'm making about the topic of Lai's relational narrative because it's literally been on my mind for months and I haven't formulated any real thoughts. This post is yet another ramble with no real aim. But I guess that's what blogs are for.

Also lol, Julie Powell just started a blog and left it there and didn't do anything to promote it (apart from telling her friends I guess) and suddenly it has a ton of readers?? How does that even happen, like how did they even find the website. There are so many websites wtf. Why can't this happen to this blog.

jeudi 13 décembre 2018

reading update

I spend way more time thinking and talking about reading than I do actually reading! Lol.

I'm going to be spending next week at Uni Bastions working on my André Breton essay due on week 0 of Hilary. I was looking for audiobooks for Breton's Nadja (I now realise you can't really do an audiobook of it) when I found a YouTuber called Antastesia who made a video about it in French. It felt so good to listen to people speak in French at length again and she was also a really interesting person so I've been watching her videos which are generally about literature and just her life training as a teacher and all that. It's so fascinating... this girl reads so much. It's very inspiring. So apparently there's this whole niche part of YouTube called BookTube where people just... review books? Wow.

Which leads me to the fact that I have 2 weeks to read 3 books if I want to complete my Goodreads reading challenge of reading 25 books a year. I don't know if I can make it because I'm absolutely crawling through Herzog right now (it's so boring to me... it's such a classic 'man and his inner angst' novel so far. Like I just do not care that his wife left him for his best friend - I have no sympathy for this man who apparently cheated on his wife too and is a bad father so like. Boohoo.) I'm also reading Griselda Pollock's absolutely fascinating new book on Charlotte Salomon (I bought it after I went to her guest seminar this term on the same topic) but it's literally like 500 pages and 3kg and I can't figure out how to hold it comfortably so I'm just avoiding having to pick it up. Oh my god why is it so heavy.

Tomorrow I'm going to town and going to do some shopping for Christmas. I think I'm going to treat myself to Elif Batuman's first book, The Possessed, because I love her and want her to be my mentor. I'm still thinking about The Idiot... It's had such an impact on me!

But in the meantime I need to use every cell in my body for the strength of restraining myself from becoming a BookTuber too. Or an 'ideas' YouTuber like Contrapoints and Philosophy Tube or the cultural critics I've been watching like Lindsay Ellis. Considering that a) I barely even read anymore / know nothing and b) Have no interesting or original opinions, it would be of no benefit to anyone. But the urge is so strong... I have such a weird compulsive need to share myself to an anonymous audience (like this blog) - I log everything I read onto Goodreads and all the movies I watch onto Letterboxd. It's not even so people will read it necessarily, but more for myself. It's fun to go back and see how I live through the media I consume. And yet the fun is in the fact that it's online - if I was just keeping a Word doc on my computer of the books I read it would be so boring. But I also don't, like, super crave attention. I only have about 3 friends on each website and we never interact on there. I wonder why I'm like this. Such an utterly modern phenomenon.

lundi 3 décembre 2018

Sino Travel Blog 2017: Taipei

So I started writing this like December 2017 and it's never going to be finished so i'll just post it here lol. Oops. 

After the claustrophobic clutter of Hong Kong, Taipei, with its wide roads and low buildings, came as a relief. We got off our China Airlines flight, which, despite being only a little longer than an hour, had a ton of movies––we were able to introduce Blaise to Moonlight––and took the commuter MRT into town, getting of at Ximen station, right next to a vibrant pedestrian shopping district called Ximending. Meander Hostel, where we stayed, was at the very other end of Chengdu Road, a long strip lined on both sides by shops, cafés, and cinemas. Throughout the week that we stayed in Taipei, we learned to walk briskly and dodge the groups of young people chatting around street stalls. We often passed a New Balance flagship store and would hover to gaze admiringly at the blown-up photos of glamorous people wearing sensible but cool sneakers by the window, even going inside a few times to check out the shoes, until eventually I gave in and purchased a white pair that was on sale. It was too pure in color, however, to wear, so I wrapped them up in plastic bags and shoved them to the bottom of my backpack, where they took up quite a large amount of space, waiting for the day to arrive when they could prove their worth...


We'd originally booked a 4-person room with an en-suite bathroom (yay!), but since Yasmin wasn't able to make it, we had to agree to let a stranger stay in the fourth bed if needed. The first few nights, however, it remained unoccupied. We dumped our stuff on the bunk beds and sat under the air conditioning for a while, relishing the cool breeze. Taiwan may be less dense in population compared to Hong Kong, but it wasn't any less humid. It became a running joke to sigh in contentment and say, "So this is the breeze that Kevin was talking about in that beach scene in Moonlight..." every time we walked past a storefront that was blasting its AC out onto the street.

That first evening, we had what might have been the best meal of the entire trip: an unassuming Sichuanese restaurant tucked away in a side street off Chengdu Road, where a huge pot of rice, unlimited tea, a cold appetizer, and five dishes cost a tight $900 NTD... 30CHF! The price of a single bowl of noodles in Switzerland! And best of all was how much Blaise and Seb enjoyed it. We picked up some bubble tea, naturally––we were in its homeland, after all––and waddled over to Ximending, where we wandered around its labyrinth-like streets, getting lost in the LED lights, stinky tofu smells, and racks and racks of fidget spinners on sale.




The hostel did free breakfast every morning, so we resolved to get up at human hours this time round. The next day, we helped ourselves to peanut butter on toast and green tea at 9am and got ready for the day ahead, but Blaise promptly went back to bed and refused to budge. After many attempts at persuasion, Seb and I left him behind and ambled towards the Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall under a blazing mid-afternoon heat. Despite the gray clouds in the sky, I could feel every individual ray of sunlight that beat down upon my skin.

After a photo-op on Liberty Square, we climbed the stairs to enter the cavernous hall, thinking it would be cooler. It wasn't much better, but at least we got to see the changing of the guards. I wondered how these guards managed to maintain absolute stillness while in full military gear. I knew that they were boiling––they needed a man to come and dab the sweat off their cheeks before performing the changing ceremony. The actual ceremony involved a lot of musket-waving and heel-clicking––each little noise that they made in unison reverberated across the entire silent hall. In front of Seb and I were two Taiwanese-American kids brought here by their father and grandfather who stood fidgeting impatiently. I wondered if they visited often, or if this trip would become a major component of their identity crises in the future. I would see quite a few diasporic children while travelling, including a boy and a girl at the Youjian Pingyao performance in Shanxi whose mother needed to constantly whisper them translations, and a pair of mixed teenage sisters who threw each other conspiratorial looks at the Muslim Quarter in Xi'an. I don't even remember how I felt about these visits when I was a small child, though I probably didn't appreciate them all that much, since they mostly consisted of talking to family members I didn't recognise, watching television, and being teased for my bad Chinese. Eventually I developed a lot of diaspora angst, which was one of the initial reasons why I'd planned this trip, although I was now more self-aware. I wondered if, in ten years' time, these little boys would look back at that moment in the Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall and also feel nostalgia for a home that both was, and wasn't, theirs.


Outside, there were troupes of dancers and drummers rehearsing for some kind of event. Seb and I sat on the steps of the National Theatre (left in photo above) to watch the uniformed performers, and talked about a film idea we had: someone who works in a small photo-developing store who discovers stories hidden in other people's photographs. 

We walked to the 228 Peace Park (and telling Seb the, like, three things I know about that event) and at some point we must've picked up Blaise –– I don't remember. I flipped through the journal that I tried to keep this summer but I only really wrote on Hong Kong, and stopped when we arrived in Taipei, apart from a brief bit on the last day (more on that later...) I stopped doing a lot of things a week into the trip, such as brushing my hair. I got really tangly and plasticky because I didn't bring conditioner, so I would basically just wash it, let it air dry, and then throw it back into the ponytail that permanently hung out of the hole on the back of my baseball cap. I'd also long given up on makeup: the eyeliner would immediately melt in the heat and print a circle under my eyes, making me look like I'd come from the early-2000s emo scene. And I learned that there was no point in trying to avoid mosquitos. I diligently spread large quantities of anti-itch cream on my bites and sprayed lemony chemicals all over myself every morning, but it didn't stop a dozen bites from appearing every day, some swelling into astonishing proportions. I gave in to my primal urges and scratched them until they broke, leaving scabs on my arms and legs. This was a really terrible idea, because now, six months later, I still have faint scars that I fear shall never disappear. Don't scratch your bites, kids.

I also eventually gave up on this log, so know that there were many, many unrecorded ones, too.
The hostel was one of those really well-organised ones where they have events every day that you can join for free. The first night that we were there, one of the guests, who was a trainee hairstylist, was cutting hair in exchange for "stories". Seb really wanted to do it, but the person in front of us was waiting too long, so eventually we left. That second evening, Bonnie, one of the staff members, took a group of us to climb Elephant Mountain on the southeastern edge of the city. The climb was, frankly, one of the most difficult physical exercises I've ever had to do. Blaise and Seb quickly disappeared ahead, and I struggled to climb the individual stone steps up, feeling pressure both to keep up and to not block the people behind me. Every time I thought we were almost at the top, I would glimpse yet another row of stairs. I had to grip the filthy, paint-chipped banisters for support, which was disgusting. The copious amounts of sweat I was producing mixed in with the humidity in the air, making me feel like I was wearing a bodysuit made of pure moisture. I could feel it in my ears. I feel like that was when the floodgates of my sweat glands were pushed open––for the rest of the summer, I would be constantly mocked for having "a lake down my back" and "literal drops of water on my neck". On that fateful evening, Bonnie gave me tissues with which to physically wipe my sweat as a reward for reaching the top... and I would never be the same again.


The view, though, was worth it. We arrived just in time to watch the sun slowly set in the west, creating a gorgeous silhouette of the Taipei skyline, including the Taipei 101 building, with its joints of metal-and-glass bamboo (eight of them, naturally!). The viewing platform had a circular bench on which you could sit, and God did I want to sit, but it turned out that the tree in the middle of the circle was full of ants. So we stood, and watched the pink glow of the sky flush up Seb's face as he wore a pink hat, a pink shirt, and ate strawberry-flavored Pocky. Truly a Wes Anderson moment.

Touching the moss on the rocks.











The next day was spent doing what I did best on this trip: racking up those steps on Wechat. (My record was ~37'000 in Nanjing!) We navigated Taipei with our feet, checking out everything from the Huashan 1914 Creative Park (hipster heaven) to Zhongshan Park. Tsai Ing-wen, if you're reading this: please put more benches and garbage bins in Taipei, please. Sincerely, teenagers who walked for a very long time while holding our trash in our hands and with no rest.

We spent a great part of the afternoon looking for the Qi Dong Poetry Salon, which we thought was a poetry-themed tearoom/café.

The Google Street View for this quartier is actually bringing back all the war flashbacks... I even recognise some of these signs!
Following the directions given to me by Baidu Maps, we spun round and round the tiny lanes of Qidong street, finding only an empty playground, gray residential apartments, and worn-looking small businesses. I thought I was hallucinating: surely the Poetry Salon was right where we were standing! Why couldn't we see it? Had it been shut down? There was a traditional-looking house to our left, and I peered at the brochures in the glass case on the wall, trying to understand what this establishment was. It looked like some kind of museum or temple. We stepped inside, into a shushed hallway that required us to take our shoes off. Beyond the doorway, there were tatami mats and shadows of people walking around somewhere far off. Was this the Qi Dong Poetry Salon? I still didn't understand this building's function. A paragraph seemed to invite us to go inside for tea. Was it free? I was confused. Seb and Blaise knew nothing, of course. We hurried out before someone could ask us if we needed any help. I was convinced that the Poetry Salon was still out there, somewhere, waiting for us. It taunted me. It called me a coward for not being able to find it. I could feel my friends getting annoyed, though, and we were hot and thirsty, so we adjusted our search parameters to "anything with air conditioning". We ended up going into a café where I had a really awkward conversation with the barista because I misunderstood a quickfire "eat in or take out?" as "you're not allowed to bring in that milk tea that you bought from a different store". (After having spent the week in Hong Kong speaking English––terrified of offending locals by speaking Mandarin to them and knowing no Cantonese except m goi––I was still getting used to the fact that I could actually speak freely to people in Taipei. But who am I kidding? My Mandarin sucks.) We sat down, had some drinks and food, used the toilet, and played around with creating the Vertigo Effect on our phones. After spending enough time inside to feel guilty about not drinking in the city, we set off again, but not before taking some really cool selfies in one of the mirrors that they use to let drivers see around a corner.


We picked up some takeaway dumplings (the ladies asked me how many dumplings I wanted, but for some reason I thought they'd said how many grams... a fumbling exchange ensued where I became more and more embarrassed, but we did end up with a box of 15, which the ladies insisted weren't enough for all three of us. I reassured them that it was only for a snack) and walked down Zhongxiao East Road––the long horizontal line that cuts across all of Taipei, dividing it into two––window shopping until nightfall.

I think this was the day that we visited the Shilin Night Market, one of the places that, to this day, makes me "that annoying girl who won't stop talking about that time she went traveling in Asia". Yet, how could I not? A street full of mouth-watering smells and delightful sights. I can still remember the warm orange glow of the street stalls selling lamb skewers, Xinjiang wraps, Taiwanese sausages (Ô, l'amour de ma vie, les saucisses taïwanaises! Si grasses, si douces, si sucrées! Si dégueulasses! Mais tellement bons...!), seafood of all kinds, cold noodles, stinky tofu, Korean fried chicken, and––and––and––! Oh, my!!! While Seb and I walked around eating wonderful cold noodles off paper plates, Blaise dragged me to a stall that only sold chicken and asked me to translate the menu. After rattling off each item, he reluctantly chose the chicken thigh filled with rice. It was so spicy that tears filled his eyes, but he second he finished it, he ran back to buy a second one. If I was a street stall owner, this sight of a white guy running back to my stand crying––willing to suffer to enjoy my food––would bring me so much joy. Another stall helped us get rid of our rubbish (again, President Tsai: please put more bins in the streets!) while blasting Guan Zhe's 想你的夜, an absolutely iconic song that is one of those angsty C-pop ballads that make me miss my ex even though I don't have an ex.

After stuffing ourselves, we strolled into a clothing shop that sold really cool Instagrammy stuff like DHL T-shirts, flannels, and graphic tees (including one of FKA Twigs). While Seb and Blaise pored through the selection, I figured I could get the same stuff off Taobao anyway, so I wandered around and danced to the music being played on the speakers. The shop assistant was really nice, complimenting my outfit (a white sports polo paired with pink H&M sweat shorts, which, along with the permanent fixtures that were my cap and sneakers, made me look like a tennis player). He told me I had really cool style, and admired my confidence and lack of self-consciousness because he saw me dancing around. (And this is why summers are amazing! I'm writing this in December right now, and I would never have this kind of confidence in cold weather.) Likely assuming that I was Blaise and Seb's Taiwanese friend, he asked me where they were from, and when I replied, he said, "Oh. They're so shuai!"

The staff at the baseball cap store in Ximending were also super friendly. We'd walked past it in the first evening and decided to get custom embroidered hats, but it took us a while, the night after Shilin, to find it again. Each of us was convinced that we had the best combination of directional instinct and photographic memory, but ultimately I have no idea how we managed to come across it. I'm convinced that Ximending's side streets are magical, and shuffle around every night, with some shops being at times revealed or concealed, and that we simply didn't have the enchanted map. A few months previously, Seb and I had started planning potentially getting tattoos of minimalist Rothkos, but in Taipei we settled for hats. We each picked out a Rothko we liked, and I also designed a cap depicting a Swisscom photobooth for Gabriel. There was a fat guy dressed like a hypebeast and a girl who was the definition of "goth gf": all-black with silver chains and a sharp bob, but with the kindest demeanor and friendliest smile. They helped us finalise our design, and sweetly made us part with quite a lot of cash. The hats, when we picked them up a few days later, didn't turn out exactly as expected, with Seb's graphic looking more like a ribosome than was desired, but it wasn't really their fault.

With mango shaved ice! 
Blaise left halfway through the Taiwan stay. He had a flight in the morning got up at around 8 to take a taxi; I remained asleep while he snuck away. By the time I woke up at 11am, his bed was empty. "Why didn't you wake me up?" I asked Seb, feeling horrible. He replied, "I thought that if you woke up early you'd want to go outside. I wanted to stay in bed." That was that. The evening before he left, we deviated from our usual straight-line route from Ximen station to our hostel by visiting the Cinema Park, of which we knew nothing apart from its cool intriguing name. We were delightfully surprised by the graffiti everywhere. There was a giant painting of two herons on the side of a building. A girl was dancing in front of a camera fixed onto a tripod. After wandering around for a while, we sat down on the pavement next to the park itself, which was all concrete and included some young people wearing Thrasher and fishnets teaching themselves how to skate, which was adorable. This one guy kept going around doing tricks –– he obviously thought he was talented. Another girl was wobbling. The other half of the park was taken up by a huge group of teenagers wearing matching athletic wear and orange T-shirts: they were rehearsing for some kind of dance competition. They moved in almost-perfect synchronisation, with a few people at the front of the group directing the sharp, confident poses that they were striking. Another week and they'd nail it. Off to the side, some members were taking breaks, drinking water and chatting with their friends. We sat there on the (ant-infested, I worried) concrete and listened to the music being blasted for what seemed like an hour, staring at nothing and everything. In that moment, as scratched the massive mosquito bite on my wrist and I let the dusk take me, I felt like a true flâneur.

The day that Blaise left, Seb and I finally got to visit the Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA). We had previously tried to go on a Monday when it was closed, and had instead spent some time in the tiny tea shop nearby where Blaise bought some tea for his mom. They only had one exhibit currently on –– another was being installed –– about the artist's father who would peel off spam adverts in the streets and fold them into origami boxes. I had to dissuade Seb from trying to shoplift from the museum shop. Then, bubble tea in hand, we decided to follow the path of a free walking tour that we were too cheap to take. All the while developing a slight addiction to whistling. It started out with me showing Seb Shostakovich's Jazz Waltz No. 2, which I had recently discovered, while sitting on a bench in Da'an. The tune soon became stuck in our heads (although I could never quite remember the whole thing) so we would belt it out, with some short breaks to pretend that we were on the walking tour by making up explanations for the history of the city. Seb is a far better whistler than I; he can reach all the high notes in Chopin's Nocturne No. 2. The route took us past the Taipei Grand Mosque, which I hadn't known existed, and into the Qingtian neighborhood full of little restaurants and cute stores. We bought some xiaolongbao to-go and sat down in a small park to eat it. That was the best xiaolongbao I had ever had: not too much soup, with the perfect sauce dip. Even after the time I spent in Nanjing and Shanghai, no other xiaolongbao would ever taste as good. There was a big tree with yellowing leaves so I took one to use as a fan. It was triple the size of my head. When we returned to the hostel, Bonnie let us borrow a permanent marker to draw Blaise's face on it. Thus Blaise was easily replaced.

The next day saw me and Seb going to the Taipei Fine Arts Museum, a massive, modern block of white in the north of the city. Outside there was an installation that featured white hammock-like structures and cool fog that would be sprayed out every once in a while. Seb and I stayed there to enjoy the respite from the heat. Tiny droplets of water latched themselves onto Seb's leg hair and glistened in the sunlight. Inside was a typical modern art museum with expansive spaces and interesting large-scale multimedia installations. We stayed inside a dark room with projections of blue waves for a while, listening to the sound of the ocean. We also visited the Story Museum nearby, which contained sketches of how Taipei used to look compared to now. It had a small swing set in a park and we sat there talking until our shadows got longer. That evening, we went to a restaurant that my Tumblr friend recommended. It had a queue around the block and a lady was going around giving us laminated menus. We ordered the famous eel rice, as well as some tempura, and were ushered into the busy room, where we sat at a large table facing some random girls. The tea was bottomless; all we had to do was go and get it from a giant dispenser and bring the boiling hot beverage across the crowded restaurant without being knocked over. It was delicious and totally worth it. It's called Hizenya.


The next day, something happened that I still talk about a lot. We had rather lazily wandered around Taipei and had decided to visit a cat café –– I no longer remember where it was, but we then had the brilliant idea of walking back to our hostel by following the river. Seb wanted to use a bike-sharing app; I didn't. We figured it would be nice to see the scenery. I held an empty bubble tea cup in a plastic bag and waited for a trash can to appear. We walked, and walked, and talked. We took photos. We played music out loud –– everything from Hotel California to Swan Lake. We got thirstier, but there was nothing to drink. We used porta-potties. Our legs began to ache, but we couldn't stop. We could only walk. There was only forwards. When we finally got to the point where Google Maps was telling us to turn east back to Chengdu Road, there was actually a giant wall. We had to cross busy traffic and go up some stairs in order to bypass the wall; beyond it, it was rush hour and a constant, endless stream of scooter drivers blocked us from being able to cross the road. 




Arriving at Meander was bliss. We immediately rushed to the water fountain and proceeded to chug from the glass. 

vendredi 23 novembre 2018

sartre / gaze / other / me

haven't posted in a while! been really busy at school, a lot of hard work and a lot of socialising too. second year is definitely so much better than first year - i feel a lot more comfortable here and i have a really nice handful of friends that i meet individually and who are all cool. not to jinx anything but i think im living my best life!

for my class/essay this week on psychoanalysis and the gaze, i read sartre's "the look" chapter from his being and nothingness 1943. even before i started reading him, i had been reading summaries that mentioned him (both surveys of the idea of the gaze and a martin jay chapter about the ontology of vision in sartre & merleau-ponty back when i was doing my cézanne essay) and they all talked about how absolutely terrified sartre was of vision... he saw it as this demonic thing that made you vulnerable to pain and suffering and he saw the relationship between two people (the exchange of looks) as a constant struggle for power, a conflict... someone said it might've been because of hitler's hypnotic gaze, others because of his biography - classically freudian, they said that he had been very close to his mother for the first 12 years of his life because his father had died but when she remarried he felt enormous amounts of angst. so even before i started reading sartre i thought that maybe i would relate to him: i've found that i'm extremely, crippingly self-conscious and this self-consciousness permeates my very being. i'm always so anxious by how im seen by other people, especially 'half-strangers', people who know enough about me to recognise me / talk about me but nothing else who are in the best position to judge me.

i don't know if my state of relentless self-consciousness is because im a woman of color (specifically, an east asian woman, for whom the basis of much discrimination against me is the idea that i'm a perpetual Other, irreconcilably foreign), because i have anxiety (?), or maybe just who i am as a person which i guess would include the above two.

when i finally did read sartre i found him to be really exaggerated as well, especially in his portrayal of the battle of gazes between Me and the Other where we both try to subjugate each other as objects yet must acknowledge each other's subjectivity. like omg dude... calm down. i do think, like, maybe he grew up in an abusive household. i once read this personal story on the internet about triggers: the author's parent would come home and open the garage door to park the car. when the garage door opened it was thus a signal for the author to stop doing whatever they were doing in the living room (like watching tv) and hide and clean up everything to avoid crossing paths with the parent / angering the parent in any way. after many, many years since escaping the abusive household the author didn't live anywhere with a garage but one day heard a garage door noise on tv and that immediately triggered their fight  or flight response - they became extremely anxious and stressed and it took a long time for them to recover, just from that noise which brought back all the memories of the end of freedom and the beginning of a tense and violent atmosphere.

to sartre it is also not just the look of the Other that actives Me but anything that could suggest the possibility of being seen - e.g. any noise. his emphasis on shame, fear, and anxiety upon being seen - i think at some point he says "shame is the shame of the self" is also just so saddening to read about... it kind of feels like he might've gone through moments where he needed to hide from someone who wanted to hurt him. because of that i felt weird about identifying with him because i've never been abused or anything like that.... at the same time, sartre is doing philosophy. his goal is to prove the existence of the Other by anchoring it to Me (the self, the cartesian cogito - descartes proved the existence of Me through 'i think therefore i am' but since I have no access to anyone else's thoughts it means that I can't be sure anyone else really exists) so that there can be no Me without the Other, and also the Other is proved through the impact the Other has on Me (proving fire exists using smoke). he uses the gaze to establish that fundamental relationship between Me and the Other - Me is defined only by being seen by the Other (it would never occur to me to define myself if i was always alone - there would be no mediation between me and me). so since sartre is doing philosophy, everythign he says is meant to be universal, even if it does turn out to be informed by extremely personal experiences. of course that's what makes philosophers different from each other.

anyway, so i did kind of identify with sartre a bit. here are some quotes i noted down. from the Hazel Barnes translation, 1966.

"I see myself because somebody sees me." (260)

"The look does not carve me out in the universe. It comes to reach me at the heart of my situation and grasps me only in irresolvable relations with instruments. If I am seen as seated, I must be seen as 'seated-on-a-chair'." (263)

"Every act performed against the Other can on principle be for the Other an instrument which will serve him against me." (264) - this, about My freedoms being limited when the look (judgement) of the Other is applied, is so pessimistic and sad and dramatic. is everything really such a struggle? :(

"Thus the Me-as-object-for-myself is a Me which is not Me; that is, which does not have the characteristics of consciousness. It is a degraded consciousness; objectivation is a radical metamorphosis. Even if I could see myself clearly and distinctly as an object, what I should see would not be the adequate representation of what I am in myself and for myself (...) but the apprehension of my being-outside-myself, for the Other (...) which does not refer to myself at all." (273)
this was really compelling to me. i think it's a good way to describe how it feels to internalise racism/misogyny because you see yourself the way the white man sees you - as object both philosophically (dissociatively - not-Me) and patriarchally (sub-human, of less value) - and therefore marginalised, never the center of my own universe, object even when i am subject. it is impossible for me to see myself as truly myself because i have been overpoweringly exposed to the male/white gaze which objectifies me and turns me into passive image (laura mulvey).

im kind of bored of writign this so im just going to put in the artwork that i talked a bit about in my essay without any commentary.



Adrian Piper - Self-Portrait Exaggerating my Negroid Features (1981)