seoul searching: diaspora angst from a fresh angle

I just saw Seoul Searching, a 2015 film set in 1986 about kids from the Korean diaspora who are sent to a summer camp in Korea to learn more about Korean culture (basically the same as the root-seeking camps that the Chinese government does today for Sino diaspora kids that I've been to 3 times) and even though it was a bad movie I loved it so much. It was just so cute. My Letterboxd review (pasted below) says enough to be honest but I wanted to record the fact that I saw this film on my blog because I think it's really important. I'm actually quite surprised a film like this was even made. It's just a really sincere attempt to reflect the diasporic experience and it may be cheesy but it definitely spoke to me. I'd put it up there with Bend it Like Beckham as movies that are just wonderful and fun and about the diaspora. It's pretty sad that any film that even touches this subject is immediately entered into some sort of canon because there are so few of them, I guess, but I enjoyed this much more than, say, L'âme du tigre, which frankly took itself a bit too seriously and tripped over its angst. The diaspora angst in that film literally consumed the entire film whereas Seoul Searching and Bend it Like Beckham have actual plots. 

Anyway this is what I wrote on Letterboxd: 

i was gonna say "i was gonna say they shouldve ended the movie with the slo-mo fight but then we never would've seen sid and klaus dress up as each other" but i take it back because not only did the only half-black character get zero characterisation or closure and was used as just the token mixed kid / "ooo there's a half-black girl", but she was actually antagonised which is just so unfair to her - when even mike the predator got some half-assed attempt at redemption. my baby did nothing wrong!!
anyway this is a terrible movie full of stereotypes and cliches AND ALSO THE WORST BRITISH ACCENT IVE EVER SEEN LMAO HOW DID THAT GIRL GET CAST JFJDJKLFKLJDLJKS but i love it because it's so cute and earnest and sincere!!! this is diaspora angst done in a more unique and refreshing way <3

I got another message on Tumblr today from an anon who reads my blog and wanted to use the "things i like" format and it just shocks me that people actually read this like??? it's so messy and disorganised and i can barely put forth an articulated thought. thanks for bearing with me, the 3 people who view my posts <3 

bad poems #9

réalité: une série d'haikus 

I

il y a un an

pendant quelques jours en mai

je me sentais un peu

II

ou même complètement

détachée et débranchée

d'une réalité

III

que j'étais censée

comprendre. c'était à malia

je dormais peu et

IV

buvais un peu trop.

(mais genre pas excessivement – 

pas comme le garçon

V

qui m'a offert

du tequila à six heures

du mat'. pas comme ça

VI

mais plus que normal.

normalement je bois quelques

fois par an mais là

VII

c'était un peu tous

les jours. enfin bref) j'étais

fatiguée. et donc

VIII 

la réalité sentait

différente. comme un rêve ou

peut-être un film que

IX

je regardais sur

un iPod ou un écran

de télé d'avion

X

de quelqu'un plusieurs

rangs devant moi sur un vol

de genève à chine.

XI 

ou sinon j'étais

la pilote d'un gundam, comme

dans pacific rim

XII

de toute façon

je me sentais pas moi-même

heraklion était 

XIII

flou et mécanique.

aujourd'hui, un an plus tard,

je me sens encore

XIV

irréelle. pourquoi

je ne sais pas. ce matin: 

bonne humeur. pas triste.

XV

je dansais dans ma

chambre puis je suis allée à

george street social pour

XVI

manger et bosser

j'ai bu un latté et vers

quinze heures trente, seize heures

XVII

soudainement j'étais

épuisée. je pensais que

c'était le café

XVIII

donc j'ai acheté un

autre. (mais un petit, pas grand)

inutile. je me

XIX

sens différent que

l'autre fois. cette fois c'est pas

moi la détachée

XX

mais le monde entier.

comme quand le son et l'image

dans un film pirate

XXI

ne sont pas ensembles,

pas synchronisés. comme si

rien là n'est réel.

XXII

je sais qui je suis

mais c'est tout ce que je sais

après une semaine

XXIII

de tristesse et de

moments dépressifs où je

n'arrive pas à me

XXIV

bouger, peut-être que

c'est un effet secondaire

comme – genre j'sais pas dire

XXV

en français mais en

anglais c'est aftershock. peut-

être que demain je

XXVI

serais de nouveau

normale. au moins motivée.

au moins sentant plus 

XXVII

que du rien du tout

plus comme un être humain. bref

ce poème est trop long

XXVIII

mais même après tout

ça je me sens toujours comme

si je revais. dans

XXIX

une semaine je vais

être chez moi donc c'est presque

la fin. j'ai trop hâte.

things that i go back to a lot and will never get sick of (things i like #11?)

- 10 things i hate about you
- the social network
- oceans eleven
- the lord of the rings
- moonlight
- how it feels by jenny zhang
- having a coke with you by frank o'hara
- howl's moving castle (both the book and the film)
- percy jackson

things i like #10

i've been feeling like complete and utter shit for the past few days but here are some things that were ok

- the new toothpaste i bought and the way it feels in my mouth and on my teeth, it encourages me to really brush vigorously. the noise it makes. somehow it's different from the slippery one i had before
- vanilla iced lattes from the china center
- slowly watching the level of honey recede from the small bottle that i bought after daily use. currently it's at around 60%
- seeing people in the street that i recognise, even if i don't speak to them. today i was going to lunch and saw el-amin in the window at the bank and did a double take and made him come and watch me eat, which was probably a little cruel because he's fasting but he seemed down and i'm not free at non-meal points in the day.
- the fact that the mint-blue tank top i'm wearing at the moment is a shirt that i really hated for a few years and suddenly like again because when i wear it with mom jeans it makes me feel really butch. i imagine myself glinting with sweat as i fix a motorcycle and then ride away on it with my soft girlfriend. it's nice that this shirt has returned to my good graces. i usually abandon clothes once i stop liking them and i would've thrown this away but i didn't and that was a good idea

and yet despite these things being nice they did nothing to make me feel any better. i'm sick and exhausted and working myself to the ground and i just need summer to come so that i can be on vacation even though i won't really be 100% on vacation and will still have 489842898 to do. i just need to survive another 9 days. im burning out.

hypermasculinity

Some thoughts on hypermasculinity I've been having recently:

• Just finished re-re-re-watching The Social Network, one of the best films of all time. Thinking about how at heart it's about a nerd guy who wants to one-up the jocks who have always been cooler and more popular than him and gotten more guys than him. The movie is quite misogynistic; women are plot devices or dumb bimbos rather than people –– but that's to be expected, since it's all told through the perspective of nerds and that's how they view women, merely as secondary or background characters in TV shows starring themselves. Of course the movie puts Erica at its heart. All Mark ever wanted was to win her back and by extension show that he was the kind of guy who got girls. So I was thinking about the California chapter and all the debauchery and fucking around that they do, and this new concept of male virility being not about the toned body or the money but about intelligence –– or not even intelligence but a certain kind of nerd quality. 
• Watched the play RED with Gabriel in London last week, starring Alfred Molina as Mark Rothko and Alfred Enoch as his young assistant. I didn't enjoy it because it represented everything that's wrong with art history: the veneration of the artist as a mythical genius figure and how strongly that's tied to the male ego. Which is enhanced by the Abstract Expressionist context, with the extremely hypermasculine art of Jackson Pollock. I'd never seen Rothko as part of this archetype of the self-aggrandising, self-important male artist –– I'd always loved him and thought that his paintings were really contemplative and thought-provoking and a religious experience, just like how he wanted it to be –– but now I kind of hate him after having seen this play. Even though, as Gabriel said, he's portrayed as this stubborn old man whose time is up and who doesn't want to let go, it's part of the writer's conception of him as this artiste maudit who is misunderstood by the world. I think ultimately the play still completely worships Rothko. It starts and ends with the same dialogue: "What do you see?" "Red." The assistant, the real main character, is shown as having learned about life from experiencing the greatness and divinity of Rothko, who remains unchanged, a catalyst. It's just two men standing on a stage being men at each other, monologuing on and on and on because obviously nothing is more important than what they have to say. Rothko inspiring the next generation of (also male) artists. I guess it's a little bit hypocritical for me to criticise monologuing since this entire blog is me assuming that people care what I think. I don't know I'm just rambling. And I've already forgotten some things. So whatever. 
• Also art and phallic symbols and stuff. I've run out of steam and I'm tired so I'm gonna go to bed now. 

1 year since graduation

Here's a draft of a post I made on the 29th of March 2017. Back then I was stuck in the IB, toiling away for exams and cramming in a lot of time to make artwork for, and set up, my IB art exhibition. Now, I have a couple weeks left of uni and am again suck here, toiling away for exams that matter only to myself. I've somehow convinced myself that these exams, which I only need to pass and have no impact on my final grade for my degree, are extremely important and if I don't get a first I won't get into grad school. So here I am. Working. And sick. 

I really did think I was gonna become a person again once I got the IB out of my system. I think that's only partially true. There are more days where I don't feel human than days where I do. And I don't know if I'm ever going to get out of this sluggish soulless feeling. It just feels like I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. 

Let's see how I did with these goals that I had. 

Mubi

I did this, but there were these really weird problems with my Internet. It would keep buffering every 2 seconds even though all other websites (including other streaming stuff like Netflix) were fine. I reported it to Mubi but they didn't do anything about it and eventually I cancelled my account because it was super expensive and I was getting nothing out of it. In any case Gabriel has a free account for being a film student, so I can still access it. I haven't watched anything on it though. I think the only films I saw on it were Being John Malkovich (twice) and Cléo de 5 à 7, which was actually back in Geneva where the Internet wasn't weird.

Wardrobe

So this didn't happen. I guess it was too much wishful thinking. I have a collection of around 20 T-shirts and 4 pairs of jeans that I kind of just cycle around, but also a bunch of summery stuff and dresses and jackets. I do want to do this though, because packing up for the holidays is such a pain. I have no idea how I ended up with so many clothes to be honest. 10 things??? How did I ever think I was going to manage that? That would've been just living on 5 pairs of jeans and 5 shirts. Although that would be fine if I actually did my laundry. I'd still like to try this out to make space for other stuff.

Start jogging

Nope.

French

I'm on the mailing list for the Swiss society but their events seem boring and intimidating and full of German speaking people. I am doing a language exchange with a friend though, and we speak Mandarin and French together. So yay? 

Museum

God I am so sick of the Ashmolean. Get me away....

Eyebrows

Didn't have the energy to look up tutorials, buy products. I don't even wear eyeliner every day. Would still like to do this though, especially now that my glasses shape has changed and I feel I would benefit from stronger eyebrows. 

Legolas

In this economy??? Having to pack it up all the time and stuff?? My full-length mirror is already indulgent enough, thanks. 

Bicycles

So I was really down to do this, but once I arrived in Oxford I just delayed buying a bike for days and days. Now I just don't want one. This happens to me a lot: really wanting to do something and then just not doing it and then just giving up. But it usually applies to, like, taking a shower (and studying). 

High school acquaintances

This has been pretty successful but I haven't found the uni replacements that I wanted. I have some really good friends at uni but you can't replicate that feeling of having known someone for years because, well, you haven't. 

Novel

Nope. No time. No energy. 

Translation

Nope. No time. No energy.

Learn and grow

I hope so???? 

Postmodern architecture and classical pastiche

Wow it's been absolutely ages since I've posted on here. I've just been completely inundated by work, both for my course and ISIS stuff. Earlier this term I wrote a bit about a tutorial I had for an essay I wrote on postmodern architecture and I thought I wouldn't do very well on it because my tutor had disagreed with me, but it was actually my best tutorial essay so far. He had no criticism at all. Wow. I hope it wasn't just because he was trying to mark the essays really quick and couldn't be bothered to read it properly. There were no notes in the actual essay and just this at the end:

An excellent discussion, which was most interesting to read. Your subtle account gives Postmodernism its due, while acknowledging its no more than partial success in its own terms. You distinguish helpfully between classicism as an act of reverent tribute to (and straightforward imitation of) the 1st century, the 16th century, and the 18th century, and the classical language of postmodernism which explicitly acknowledges its situatedness in the present (although, as you also note, postmodern architects have not tended to pay as much attention to context as their rhetoric implies) and the irony created by historical distance. A very good piece of work, thank you.

I just did a mock paper for this course and a question on this topic came up, so I wrote about it, but my exam essay wasn't as nuanced as my tutorial essay.

Anyway that made me really happy so I'm gonna put my entire essay here now!