Every once in a while I have a bit of an identity crisis. I go online and see a cool friend of a friend on Instagram who now goes to Barnard and is living the life in Manhattan with nice pictures of herself and her equally cool friend group, or someone with 100k followers just for being really hot and having really amazing fashion sense, or Damon and Jo, a YouTube duo who travel all the time and speak like 5 languages and are best friends, or just the endless stream of twentysomethings giving apartment tour vlogs. I look at other people's lives and think about what I could be doing and/or what I will be doing in the future and feel a mix of excitement and fear and anxiety and shame. My current life never matches up to what I want to be doing.
A lot of that has to do with social media because things always look a lot cooler in (carefully curated photos) than they actually are. With older people writing thinkpieces about how social media is ruining everything, the younger generation tends to fight back and highlight all the good ways that social media has impacted our lives; the Internet isn't evil, it's just another step in communication, in the same way that the printing press revolutionised information. So we get tired of people preaching about the dangers of social media, but we actually do need to keep in mind that the posts people make –– especially famous people with a ton of followers who make money off of social media –– have taken hours and are meant to fit a specific persona. I read something the other day about how, inevitably, we have different facets of ourselves that we present to different people: we're different when we're with our friends compared to our parents, our colleagues, our teachers, etc. We're also different people with different friends. But on social media, all that is collapsed into one. You have to entertain everyone you know at once, and that can be really exhausting.
So I just need to keep in mind that social media isn't everything, and slowly trying to turn myself off from that –– because I do admit that I'm a bit addicted to the Internet. I no longer use Snapchat, although I keep the app for occasional messages from a couple of people. Woohoo! Thank you, new Snapchat update, for turning me off. Also, thank God I never got into Snapchat streaks, because those are completely meaningless, but obviously it feels like an achievement when you get high numbers. I only keep Facebook for magazine and school stuff, and Tumblr is also down to a minimum, especially as I only access it on the computer. I'm trying really hard to cut down on my Instagram usage, although that's now my primary social media, so forcing myself to stop using Explore. It helps that something that was really important in my final year of high school was that I finally realised that I didn't need to invest my time and energy into people that I didn't really care about, or know that well, or particularly genuinely like. I didn't hate my classmates, but I also had almost no interest in their lives –– which is perfectly okay. Especially since I'd known them for years already. Having a handful of really close friends is so much better than trying to please a bunch of people you only kind of know. So that meant that I spent less time looking at other people's stuff on social media –– my real problem is memes and random posts.
Instead of scrolling on Facebook during idle times like waiting for the bus, etc., I try to read a book –– although this is much easier said than done. It's much harder to just immerse yourself in a book for 4 minutes beacuse you really need to get back into it, whereas social media was designed to feed you little bite-sized pieces of information or entertainment and to keep you hooked.
Because that's the most important thing I've been learning: not to feel overwhelmed by guilt whenever you do something you shouldn't. Instead of feeling bad about having spent an hour on Facebook, just go and do the other thing. Wallowing is an even bigger waste of time. Being aware that everyone has these issues with the Internet and with procrastination means that I won't feel like the biggest loser in the world whenever I succumb to it, and it also makes me feel better about trying to be better. Again, social media was designed to make you addicted, so it's good to break that.
These days I like to remind myself that, although I have a ton of insecurities about every aspect of my life, and constantly berate myself for not being better and doing more, I actually have a very good exterior image. People tend to see me as someone who is really put-together and organised, and who does a lot of things. If I am never satisfied with where I am at the moment and am constantly envisioning a better alternate life for myself where, for instance, everything is the same but I'm a world-famous blogger, I'll never enjoy my life. Because even if I achieve all my dreams, I'll probably still think I could do more. I need to take things slow and realise that I actually already have a lot on my plate, and I'm only 18. I have my whole life ahead of me and I can do so many things in it.
And a final thing that I've started to come to terms with is that –– surprise –– I can literally do whatever I want. I used to, and still do, get all worked up about what I should and shouldn't be doing, for instance getting FOMO about going out clubbing, in part because I have all these expectations about what I should be doing for the "university/young person experience". But observing others, like this one 23-year-old girl in my course who is married and financially independent and covered in cool tattoos and loves cats, has made me realise that I actually can just be who I am and do whatever I like.
So I'm going to continue trying to take things one at a time and enjoy every moment, because even though I'm currently dying to go out into the real world and have my own apartment and decorate it myself, I'm sure that 10 years down the line I'll really miss my undergrad years when I was totally carefree.
mardi 27 mars 2018
mardi 20 mars 2018
bad poems #8
why do i constantly live in the future: a series of haikus
I
a small apartment,
city not too small or large,
full of books and light
II
a cat or a dog
or a rabbit or a bird
some shostakovich
III
i'll buy everything
i need, paying attention
to colanders and
IV
first aid kits, linen
and dustpan and the kettle,
a drawer for socks.
V
i don't ask for much
just time to have a pot of
yoghurt with granola
VI
breakfasts and netflix
and trips to the museum
and my phd
VII
feet up on the sofa
taking notes from my reading
fresh air from windows
VIII
cooking my mom's food
calling her to ask about
boiling lotus root
IX
mismatched furniture
wall with gallery postcards
a candle burning
X
i'll need some money
to cover the rent and to
fund my big road trip
XI
that doesn't matter
another instagram life
for my best daydreams.
for my best daydreams.
jeudi 1 mars 2018
things i like #9
- when wind blows across fresh, untouched snow and the top layer of powder gets blown away. the wind acquires a white color, and it looks like the whisper of ghosts.
- the smell of jasmine
- spotify discover
- sweet potato fries
- being in love
- the smell of jasmine
- spotify discover
- sweet potato fries
- being in love
samedi 24 février 2018
a patch of sunlight
Today is really sunny so obviously my S.A.D. has gone off on vacation and I'm in a really good mood!
Yasmin came over last night as my guest for my college's Guest Night. We had a four-course dinner at hall and then an afterparty where we were one of the few people dancing. We both wore jumpsuits and took a ton of photos!
This morning we had breakfast at Vaults and Garden and even though it was a bit of a rush in the end because Yasmin rebooked her train so that she wouldn't miss her flight back to Geneva it was still fun. I got a vegan breakfast (in part because I didn't actually enjoy last night's dinner and wished I'd taken the plant-based option for it instead) that included avocado toast and these giant beans and really big mushrooms.
In the afternoon I had an interview for the position of Editor at The ISIS for next term. Then I wandered around Jericho and saw this bookshop that sells new books for £3. They also have old books. I found this collection of poems called Les yeux d'Elsa by Louis Aragon, published in Geneva in 1945, with some tiny moth-bitten holes on the pages. It has a lot of poems by Aragon about how enamoured he is by his wife Elsa and it's so romantic.
is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles
and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them
I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together for the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse
it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I’m telling you about it
Then I went to a café and read the first chapter of Junot Díaz's The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, which I really like so far. I paid twice for my latte (after sitting at the café for an hour I had forgotten that I'd paid when I ordered, so left some money on the table) which was absolutely devastating but I got over it. I walked back through University Parks, where different sports teams were having practices or matches. I saw the quidditch team near the end of their practice and it looked really fun –– people running around with sticks between their legs (that they managed to keep there without their hands)! I might join the team next year. It seems quite chill, but maybe I'm just assuming that because I can't imagine anyone who plays quidditch taking themselves all too seriously!
On my walk home I also saw a lot of flowers in bloom, and a little girl being taught how to ride a bike.
It's absolutely freezing today (my hands were cold even in gloves) but the sunshine just makes everything wonderful!
Update: I got a call in the evening from the chairman of OSPL saying that I've been selected for one of the two positions of Editor. Really excited for the coming term!!!
Yasmin came over last night as my guest for my college's Guest Night. We had a four-course dinner at hall and then an afterparty where we were one of the few people dancing. We both wore jumpsuits and took a ton of photos!
This morning we had breakfast at Vaults and Garden and even though it was a bit of a rush in the end because Yasmin rebooked her train so that she wouldn't miss her flight back to Geneva it was still fun. I got a vegan breakfast (in part because I didn't actually enjoy last night's dinner and wished I'd taken the plant-based option for it instead) that included avocado toast and these giant beans and really big mushrooms.
In the afternoon I had an interview for the position of Editor at The ISIS for next term. Then I wandered around Jericho and saw this bookshop that sells new books for £3. They also have old books. I found this collection of poems called Les yeux d'Elsa by Louis Aragon, published in Geneva in 1945, with some tiny moth-bitten holes on the pages. It has a lot of poems by Aragon about how enamoured he is by his wife Elsa and it's so romantic.
Les yeux d'Elsa
Tes yeux sont si profonds qu'en me penchant pour boire
J'ai vu tous les soleils y venir se mirer
S'y jeter à mourir tous les désespérés
Tes yeux sont si profonds que j'y perds la mémoire
À l'ombre des oiseaux c'est l'océan troublé
Puis le beau temps soudain se lève et tes yeux changent
L'été taille la nue au tablier des anges
Le ciel n'est jamais bleu comme il l'est sur les blés
Les vents chassent en vain les chagrins de l'azur
Tes yeux plus clairs que lui lorsqu'une larme y luit
Tes yeux rendent jaloux le ciel d'après la pluie
Le verre n'est jamais si bleu qu'à sa brisure
Mère des Sept douleurs ô lumière mouillée
Sept glaives ont percé le prisme des couleurs
Le jour est plus poignant qui point entre les pleurs
L'iris troué de noir plus bleu d'être endeuillé
Tes yeux dans le malheur ouvrent la double brèche
Par où se reproduit le miracle des Rois
Lorsque le coeur battant ils virent tous les trois
Le manteau de Marie accroché dans la crèche
Une bouche suffit au mois de Mai des mots
Pour toutes les chansons et pour tous les hélas
Trop peu d'un firmament pour des millions d'astres
Il leur fallait tes yeux et leurs secrets gémeaux
L'enfant accaparé par les belles images
Écarquille les siens moins démesurément
Quand tu fais les grands yeux je ne sais si tu mens
On dirait que l'averse ouvre des fleurs sauvages
Cachent-ils des éclairs dans cette lavande où
Des insectes défont leurs amours violentes
Je suis pris au filet des étoiles filantes
Comme un marin qui meurt en mer en plein mois d'août
J'ai retiré ce radium de la pechblende
Et j'ai brûlé mes doigts à ce feu défendu
Ô paradis cent fois retrouvé reperdu
Tes yeux sont mon Pérou ma Golconde mes Indes
Il advint qu'un beau soir l'univers se brisa
Sur des récifs que les naufrageurs enflammèrent
Moi je voyais briller au-dessus de la mer
Les yeux d'Elsa les yeux d'Elsa les yeux d'Elsa
Almost as romantic as Having a Coke with You by Frank O'Hara:
Having a Coke with You
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles
and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them
I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together for the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse
it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I’m telling you about it
Then I went to a café and read the first chapter of Junot Díaz's The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, which I really like so far. I paid twice for my latte (after sitting at the café for an hour I had forgotten that I'd paid when I ordered, so left some money on the table) which was absolutely devastating but I got over it. I walked back through University Parks, where different sports teams were having practices or matches. I saw the quidditch team near the end of their practice and it looked really fun –– people running around with sticks between their legs (that they managed to keep there without their hands)! I might join the team next year. It seems quite chill, but maybe I'm just assuming that because I can't imagine anyone who plays quidditch taking themselves all too seriously!
On my walk home I also saw a lot of flowers in bloom, and a little girl being taught how to ride a bike.
It's absolutely freezing today (my hands were cold even in gloves) but the sunshine just makes everything wonderful!
Update: I got a call in the evening from the chairman of OSPL saying that I've been selected for one of the two positions of Editor. Really excited for the coming term!!!
mardi 26 décembre 2017
my best books 2017
The 8 best books I read for the first time this year (out of 28 that I have completed as of today -- obviously 13-year-old me would sneer at the pathetic amount, but 18-year-old me is certainly very proud of having read more than 2 books a month amidst completing the IB and starting uni.)
I got a goodreads account (@kangjiaqi) in august and log my readings on there (seriously though, goodreads needs to update its interface a little, it's still got that 2008 vibe... they should take some notes off the cleanliness and efficiency of letterboxd)!! also this page on my blog meticulously records when i started and finished reading a book
The Best: Do Not Say We Have Nothing
Currently my favorite book, a wonderful, wonderful story that, like most works about the Chinese diaspora, talks about the Cultural Revolution and the Tiananmen Square protests, but in a beautiful, elegant, and extremely sad way. Timeless, quiet, poised. Similar in style to All the Light we Cannot See, which is also amazing. Bought this at Geneva airport before embarking on post-exams grad trip, and boy am I glad that I had this book to accompany me during that week of sunshine and alcohol.
Special mention: Sour Heart (published 2017)
Jenny Zhang, poet, essayist, and now fiction author, is an indispensable figure of this generation and I dearly hope that she will be remembered in the years to come. As I say in my review, I have never encountered another writer with such raw, relentless honesty. Zhang is fearless. She is sharp and witty and straightforward and no-nonsense, and she is also tender and caring and full of love.
I bought this book at Shakespeare & Company in Paris, which is apparently really famous but that I only knew because Zhang had mentioned it in her essay that you can find online that I have now read a billion times, The Summer I Learned I Wasn't the Exception. I paid an extra few euros to avoid having Lena Dunham's name on the cover (the book is the first to be published by Dunham's new firm). Read in a tiny Paris hotel room and on the TGV back to Geneva. Also read How It Feels, which is mind-blowing, and They Pretend to Be Us but Pretend We Don't Exist (or something like that), Zhang's Buzzfeed essay about white authors' exploitation of non-white authors. Both are online.
Inspiring: On The Road (Original Scroll)
The original scroll is fantastic. This total chaotic blur is so exhilarating and exciting and I definitely need to do a US cross-country road trip. Oh my God!!!!!
Most recommended: Death's End
Everyone in the world needs to read Liu Cixin's Remembrance of Earth's Past. Enough said.
Required reading: The Chequebook and the Cruise Missile
Mother Roy goes OFF in this series of interviews where she talks about capitalism, neo-colonialism, and corporate globalisation in modern India. This and Capitalism: A Ghost Story are just must-reads for everyone.
Expectations met: The Name of the Rose
I'm writing this post less than an hour after having finished this book and it is definitely a Classic. All the 1-star reviews on Goodreads are hilarious because the people have totally misunderstood this absolutely PERFECT novel. Read in the Maldives (theology and semantics -- light beach reading, naturally.)
Underrated: Wind, Sand, and Stars
The first book I read this year and it was such a good way to start off a year that, though highly stressful, ended up also being a year of contemplation and romance. Underrated because The Little Prince is so widely adored, this wide-eyed autobiographical account is so purifying and heart-opening that I just. Ahhhhh.
Page-turner: Call Me By Your Name
Also loved the movie. Recommended to me by Emily and devoured in one morning. Really quite good.
I got a goodreads account (@kangjiaqi) in august and log my readings on there (seriously though, goodreads needs to update its interface a little, it's still got that 2008 vibe... they should take some notes off the cleanliness and efficiency of letterboxd)!! also this page on my blog meticulously records when i started and finished reading a book
The Best: Do Not Say We Have Nothing
Currently my favorite book, a wonderful, wonderful story that, like most works about the Chinese diaspora, talks about the Cultural Revolution and the Tiananmen Square protests, but in a beautiful, elegant, and extremely sad way. Timeless, quiet, poised. Similar in style to All the Light we Cannot See, which is also amazing. Bought this at Geneva airport before embarking on post-exams grad trip, and boy am I glad that I had this book to accompany me during that week of sunshine and alcohol.
Special mention: Sour Heart (published 2017)
Jenny Zhang, poet, essayist, and now fiction author, is an indispensable figure of this generation and I dearly hope that she will be remembered in the years to come. As I say in my review, I have never encountered another writer with such raw, relentless honesty. Zhang is fearless. She is sharp and witty and straightforward and no-nonsense, and she is also tender and caring and full of love.
I bought this book at Shakespeare & Company in Paris, which is apparently really famous but that I only knew because Zhang had mentioned it in her essay that you can find online that I have now read a billion times, The Summer I Learned I Wasn't the Exception. I paid an extra few euros to avoid having Lena Dunham's name on the cover (the book is the first to be published by Dunham's new firm). Read in a tiny Paris hotel room and on the TGV back to Geneva. Also read How It Feels, which is mind-blowing, and They Pretend to Be Us but Pretend We Don't Exist (or something like that), Zhang's Buzzfeed essay about white authors' exploitation of non-white authors. Both are online.
Inspiring: On The Road (Original Scroll)
The original scroll is fantastic. This total chaotic blur is so exhilarating and exciting and I definitely need to do a US cross-country road trip. Oh my God!!!!!
Most recommended: Death's End
Everyone in the world needs to read Liu Cixin's Remembrance of Earth's Past. Enough said.
Required reading: The Chequebook and the Cruise Missile
Mother Roy goes OFF in this series of interviews where she talks about capitalism, neo-colonialism, and corporate globalisation in modern India. This and Capitalism: A Ghost Story are just must-reads for everyone.
Expectations met: The Name of the Rose
I'm writing this post less than an hour after having finished this book and it is definitely a Classic. All the 1-star reviews on Goodreads are hilarious because the people have totally misunderstood this absolutely PERFECT novel. Read in the Maldives (theology and semantics -- light beach reading, naturally.)
Underrated: Wind, Sand, and Stars
The first book I read this year and it was such a good way to start off a year that, though highly stressful, ended up also being a year of contemplation and romance. Underrated because The Little Prince is so widely adored, this wide-eyed autobiographical account is so purifying and heart-opening that I just. Ahhhhh.
Page-turner: Call Me By Your Name
Also loved the movie. Recommended to me by Emily and devoured in one morning. Really quite good.
dimanche 24 décembre 2017
interview avec moi-même
q: comment espères-tu être dans l'année 2018?
r: ah. j'ai déjà fait un p'tit meme sur cette question, mais en fait j'ai un peu plus à ajouter.
d'abords, j'aimerais continuer à lire et à écrire et à regarder des films. j'ai des amis vraiment cools à l'université et j'aimerais faire encore plus d'amis cools avec lesquels je pourrais embarquer sur des aventures. j'aimerais découvrir oxford un peu plus: les rues, les cafés, les pubs... et vraiment apprécier la vie quoi! et devenir un peu plus saine, physiquement (plus de fruits, un peu de yoga), et aussi mentalement. même si on dit que l'hiver est pire en janvier et février, j'espère avoir moins de crises! j'suis pas sure comment je vais balancer mes études avec ma vie hors d'études parce que le semestre passé j'ai pas fait grand chose apart travailler pour l'uni et dormir. je vais devoir aussi mettre un peu de temps à côté pour m'entrainer en chinois (lire un livre! ou un truc de traduction peut être) parce que j'ai peur de tout oublier. ah, et moins de réseaux sociaux.
et ça fait assez longtemps que j'ai pas fait un shopping spree. j'ai hâte d'acheter des fringues quand le kilo vintage sale arrivera à oxford. j'aimerais vraiment inhabit my pretentious pseudo-intellectual indie artsy kid vibe en m'habillant un peu plus preppy parfois, avec des polos, du tartan, des cardigans, des pulls (!!!), et j'sais pas comment dire en français mais des buttons-downs. perles. et toujours plus de jumpsuits!
ok en fait j'ai la flemme de continuer donc voilà
r: ah. j'ai déjà fait un p'tit meme sur cette question, mais en fait j'ai un peu plus à ajouter.
d'abords, j'aimerais continuer à lire et à écrire et à regarder des films. j'ai des amis vraiment cools à l'université et j'aimerais faire encore plus d'amis cools avec lesquels je pourrais embarquer sur des aventures. j'aimerais découvrir oxford un peu plus: les rues, les cafés, les pubs... et vraiment apprécier la vie quoi! et devenir un peu plus saine, physiquement (plus de fruits, un peu de yoga), et aussi mentalement. même si on dit que l'hiver est pire en janvier et février, j'espère avoir moins de crises! j'suis pas sure comment je vais balancer mes études avec ma vie hors d'études parce que le semestre passé j'ai pas fait grand chose apart travailler pour l'uni et dormir. je vais devoir aussi mettre un peu de temps à côté pour m'entrainer en chinois (lire un livre! ou un truc de traduction peut être) parce que j'ai peur de tout oublier. ah, et moins de réseaux sociaux.
et ça fait assez longtemps que j'ai pas fait un shopping spree. j'ai hâte d'acheter des fringues quand le kilo vintage sale arrivera à oxford. j'aimerais vraiment inhabit my pretentious pseudo-intellectual indie artsy kid vibe en m'habillant un peu plus preppy parfois, avec des polos, du tartan, des cardigans, des pulls (!!!), et j'sais pas comment dire en français mais des buttons-downs. perles. et toujours plus de jumpsuits!
ok en fait j'ai la flemme de continuer donc voilà
mots
après avoir lu un livre pendant quelques heures, assise sur le canapé ou une chaise dans une position pour laquelle la jiaqi de 70 ans ne me remerciera pas, je trouve souvent que les mots sur la page commencent à flotter. ils se détachent de la page et se rapprochent de mes yeux, devenant de plus en plus grands. dans ce moment, j'ai un peu mal à la tête et je me sens toute petite face au poids de ces lettres noirs et étranges. des mots venant d'une langue étrangère qui, a un moment donné pendant mon enfance, a envahi ma vie. l'anglais habite dans chaque coin de ma vie et de mon cerveau et il refuse de partir. une colonisation culturelle.
maintenant que j'étudie à oxford, je me sens perdre mon francais de plus en plus. pendant la moitié d'octobre et tout novembre, j'amenais mémoires d'hadrian de marguerite yourcenar presque partout, moitié pour lire et me convaincre que je suis toujours francophone, moitié pour sembler cool au cas où on m'observe, petite chinoise qui parle couramment le français. après un mois et demi j'avais à peine lu 50 pages. yourcenar, c'est pas pour finir vite fait et recevoir un sentiment d'accomplissement! je pense que je vais devoir recommencer parce que parfois je commence à penser à autres choses en lisant, et je me trouve au milieu d'un paragraphe sans savoir comment j'y suis arrivée.
enfin bref. après avoir lu en anglais pendant très longtemps je dissocie un peu et je me demande comment j'ai permis l'anglais à me conquérir avec tant de totalité. je deviens dégoutée par la page devant moi; chaque mot représente une nausée construise de ings et de fuls. mais j'arrive pas à arrêter.
maintenant que j'étudie à oxford, je me sens perdre mon francais de plus en plus. pendant la moitié d'octobre et tout novembre, j'amenais mémoires d'hadrian de marguerite yourcenar presque partout, moitié pour lire et me convaincre que je suis toujours francophone, moitié pour sembler cool au cas où on m'observe, petite chinoise qui parle couramment le français. après un mois et demi j'avais à peine lu 50 pages. yourcenar, c'est pas pour finir vite fait et recevoir un sentiment d'accomplissement! je pense que je vais devoir recommencer parce que parfois je commence à penser à autres choses en lisant, et je me trouve au milieu d'un paragraphe sans savoir comment j'y suis arrivée.
enfin bref. après avoir lu en anglais pendant très longtemps je dissocie un peu et je me demande comment j'ai permis l'anglais à me conquérir avec tant de totalité. je deviens dégoutée par la page devant moi; chaque mot représente une nausée construise de ings et de fuls. mais j'arrive pas à arrêter.
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