i was talking to my friend about my #existential angst and he brought up the stoics and how they kind of considered that they couldn't control anything and just needed to manage expectations and take what comes in life, ride the wave in a way.... which made me think of a way that might explain how i feel? like, if life is all about riding the waves that come and letting them take you wherever, my question is why am i in the ocean in the first place? why do i have to deal with waves? wouldn't i prefer to be on land, where there are no waves? but in this world i dont even know that there is such a thing as land because ive never seen it before, so all i can do is stay swimming in this ocean wishing i didnt have to do it, because it's so hard, and yet not knowing where else i might be / not having an option to be anywhere else. lol. just wanted to note that down i guess.
read this piece a couple weeks back: https://theoutline.com/post/7267/living-with-passive-suicidal-ideation?zd=1&zi=amdkoiqx which is about a similar feeling of not really wanting to be alive but i dont really identify with it, because while the author compares it to treading water with the risk/possibility of drowning, i dont feel like im at risk of drowning, i just don't want to be in the water in the first place. but i am, so i have to keep swimming, and it sucks.
