do not say we have nothing

is now my favorite book. i have passionately and unapologetically recommended this book to anyone who will listen. an agonising work about music, mathematics, family, silence, history, memory, love. absolutely exquisite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

j'adore

j'adore le soleil et le son d'oiseaux dans les branches
j'adore les rideaux blancs qui scintillent avec de la lumière
j'adore quand le vent siffle à travers les feuilles et les rideaux se gonflent comme des femmes enceintes, comme dans gatsby quand nous rencontrons daisy pour la première fois
j'adore avoir les portes toutes ouvertes
j'adore l'effroi qu'on sent quand il y a un courant d'air et toutes les portes et fenêtres se ferment soudainement, un grand clac qui s'étouffe avec joie et chaleur
j'adore la fin du printemps et le début de l'été, quand la bise a arrêté de souffler et quand tout est paisible, il ne fait ni trop chaud ni trop froid, j'ai l'impression que tout est parfait et que je ne peux plus jamais être triste dans toute ma vie

j'adore le mot j'adore, quand on était à ovronnaz il y avait une grand-mère dans l'ascenseur une fois, elle portait son petit-fils dans ses bras, elle lui souriait et lui disait, je t'adore, je t'adore, dans une voix toute douce, et il souriait aussi, c'était comme le soleil

from rumi: life & death

i've come again
like a new year
to crash the gate
of this old prison






i've come again
to break the teeth and claws
of this man-eating
monster we call life






i've come again
to puncture the
glory of the cosmos
who mercilessly
destroys humans






i am the falcon
hunting down the birds
of black omen
before their flights






i gave my word
at the outset to
give my life
with no qualms
i pray to the Lord
to break my back
before i break my word






how do you dare to
let someone like me
intoxicated with love
enter your house






you must know better
if i enter
i'll break all this and
destroy all that






if the sheriff arrives
i'll throw the wine
in his face
if your gatekeeper
pulls my hand
i'll break his arm






if the heavens don't go round
to my heart's desire
i'll crush its wheels and
pull out its roots






you have set up
a colorful table
calling it life and
asked me to your feast
but punish me if
i enjoy myself






what tyranny is this

things i like #8

- that feeling you get when you do a whole page of complicated algebra and it all cancels out to give a beautifully simple answer like the number 2
- the feeling of warm sunlight against your skin. it feels like gold.
- zac oyama from collegehumor
- new socks
- the artificial smell of cherries

only god forgives

only god forgives report card:

atmosphere: A+
violence: A
oedipal themes: B-
frames within frames: A+
subversion of shot reverse shot: B
strings music soundtrack: A
lighting: A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
white people bullshit: F

Wow, I am so sick of watching 'natives' of non-European countries be utterly and completely dehumanised by white protagonists. Apart from Lt. Chang, all the other Thai people in this film might as well be rats. They lack any and all human dignity. Watching them be killed by white people and kill each other was quite nauseating because of how Winding Refn has obviously very little regard for their worth as human beings. I have yet to see a White Man In Asia/Africa story where the 'natives' aren't seen as disposable props. Mai's repulsed stare is my mood at all times throughout that film. I came to see Ryan Gosling kill people with a hammer, but boy was I glad to watch him get beat up by the detective. He deserved that. (Also, I have realised that the hammer scene isn't even in this film, it is in fact from Drive, which is amazing, and better than this film not only because of the hammer but also because of Gosling's bomber jacket, the presence of Oscar Isaac, and a bangin' techno soundtrack.)

This reminds me of that infamous interview where Winding Refn was talking about why he whitewashed Carey Mulligan's character in Drive (she was supposed to be Latina) by saying that he met a lot of Latina actresses but none of them evoked the feeling of innocence, that he didn't feel the desire to protect them, but the second Carey Mulligan walked in he wanted to protect her, and that's why she was cast. I love Carey Mulligan and she did a really great job, but damn, Nick, that is literally so racist.

mood

Chopin's Nocturne in C sharp minor Op. posthumous

I didn't make a "songs this month" post because April wasn't really much of a listening month (oh wait... Kendrick Lamar's DAMN and Joey Bada$$'s All Amerikkkan Badass or whatever it's called both came out this month and they were both amazing........ please give them a listen. Joey Badass' stuff was kinda cool it sounded old school, not that I know anything about old school hip hop, but I don't know, just like the lyrics and the structure sounded very classic and like... it was nice. I'm not very good at talking about this since I'm very ignorant though.)

I've been listening to this new playlist I made of Chopin's Nocturnes and Mendelssohn's Songs without words and whenever I study I put it on because it's music I've heard a thousand times. I used to only really recognise songs I've played before, but I've listened to Mendelssohn so much (he's my 3rd top played artist at almost 1000 plays since August 2014) that every one of his pieces make me go "that's so familiar! I've played this piece before!" when I've only played one before but now I don't know which one it is anymore. One of the Venetian Gondola pieces.

Whenever this Nocturne comes up it makes my heart swell a little (it's mainly the little trills and then that fall after them... that is so my thing). It has such story to it I think. There's a melancholy aspect that I'm always down for but it also has more uplifting parts. It feels like the kind of song you'd play in the car and the camera is focused on the passing landscape (rolling Yorkshire hills à la David Hockney, but with a grey sky) from the passenger window and the person sitting in the passenger seat is moving their hand around slowly... maybe the window is open and they're letting the breeze trail their fingers. And the people in the car are on their way to somewhere vague and they're just talking about life and the passenger closes their eyes and smells that fresh air, the way it smells a couple hours before it's going to rain. And when the arpeggios (oh god I haven't played piano in a year is that what they're called) happen in the end they arrive at their destination and this is the day they fall in love.

I've been so romantic lately!!! I think it's because I watched both Paterson and Moonlight and La La Land and those are some of the most romantic films I've ever seen in my life.

There are birds tweeting really loudly and brashly. I can hear them even though I'm playing music and all the doors are closed. They're almost as annoying as when you wake up on the International Award hike at 5:50 AM and watch the daylight stream in through your musty tent and just lie there in your damp little sleeping bag, listening to that stupid morning bird go "huhu! hu! huhu! ... huhu! hu! huhu!" over and over again, like, doesn't it ever get tired? I would if I did nothing but that for three hours. Then you'd clamber out of the tent and put on your dirty shoes and socks and walk through that crunchy grass imbued with heavy dew and go take a piss, all the while shivering and terrified something is going to attack you and this is how you're gonna go... bare butt. I actually heard that same bird again a couple of weeks ago out of the blue somewhere and it took me immediately back to those moments. It's so vivid for me.

i had a dream i was late to my maths exam but they made me run upstairs to put my coat in my locker. then i went inside but the year 12s were also having their mocks and i had to sit next to peter du and he was rude to me. (bad poems #7)

God i imagine them like festering pustules / bursting running ulcer like Winston Smith / coming out of the exam all I can think about is / some blitzkrieg, some kamikaze, committed on the / fecund rotund landscape of bumps and snags across my back, Deadpool desert / muscle pain patches layered over and over until the hot searing feeling becomes dull / red boiling wheezing / why do i itch when i integrate / kinematics staccato pen strokes / scratch / imaginary numbers and imaginary pains / scratch / De Moivre applies Fenistil across my shoulders / scratch / God if i die today at least let me pass / scratch / written on my tombstone she made her offer / scratch.